Breast Exam Rules

by Darci Cyst

-----

For many males, and certain females, giving breast exams for a living would be a dream job. But as life constantly reminds us, some things are just too good to be true. Not only will you have to deal with a massive amount of horribly misshapen boobies on a daily basis, but you'll also have to adhere to the following rules.

-----

(Applicable for both male or female examiners and male or female breasts.)

Never say ''They look perkier than last time".

Never greet the breasts separately.

Never smile or rub your hands in anticipation as she's unhooking her bra.

Never use any slang like "Titties" or "Boobies" or "Love Jugs". Unless you really, really have to.

Never comment on how wonderful they look, even if they do.

Never say "This is my favorite part of the examination".

Never say "These are my favorite parts of the examination."

Never utter any words that end in -ag, like "sag", "hag", "bag", "drag", "rag", "slag", "shag", "nag". Stay away from "scallywag", even if she is a pirate.

Never address the breasts in first person, or make any attempt to talk to them directly, even if the patient gives her consent.

When you palpate the tissue and ask her ''How does it feel?'', do not expect compliments.

Never ask her if it was good for her.

-----

Darci Cyst is an aspiring comedian and writer trapped in a physician's body. Although he's been ostracized by women, animals, and Myna birds, he has found the courage to move on. He was never convicted for harassment, but he likes to dance inappropriately to music.