Elements of Every Party

by Scott Owens

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Sure, they may seem like fun in high school and the first few years of college, but soon enough, even parties lose their appeal because of its repetitive nature (you can only see so many drunken folks exposing their genitals). One of the great party-goers of our generation looks into what makes these parties so similar.

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(from the archives)

As a man who tends to enjoy the “hot woman ass”, I’ve found that the best way to have some fun – sans red bumps the morning after – isn’t at bars, but social gatherings of a mutual friend. I recently attended one such party, or kegger, or mixer, or brothel (I'll be appearing on Cathouse the Series in the segment “Chocolate Pudding and Monkeys” – it'll make sense when you see it.

After a few hours at this get-together, I realized something: every single party I've been to – aside from my awesome young birthday parties involving Garfield paper table clothes – has been exactly the same. Blame it on laziness, or the replacement of imagination with booze, but it's a fact. We've all been going to the same party for years.

The Awkward Confessional
I don't care where you are, but you’ll end up running into the drunk guy who’s admitting to some girl that he likes her. Or perhaps her ostrich-like bird (some of you go to strange parties in LA). I usually encounter this couple when I decide to refill my cup at the keg without a party buddy. The girl victim looks at me, pleading for rescue her from having the horrid “That's really sweet, but I think we should stay really good friends” conversation. I never throw her a life preserver; it’s only fair that she drowns in the lake of her cockteasery.

The Kid With The Really Red Face
It could be from getting in a near brawl because he said “The Fast and the Furious is not a gay movie.” How did his face get so damn red? No one knows. Ideas are discussed; it could be from his Irish skin briefly coming into contact with natural light. The reasons behind the blushing jackass's face are always unbeknownst to all. However one thing is for certain: he will end up crying for no apparent reason in the middle of the party.

The Way Too Young Girl
I will end up hitting on this girl. Why? Because she is always super hot and I won’t ask her the age question until I’ve invested considerable time talking to her. She'll always be just young enough where it would be creepy to actually hook up with her, but if you add a year to her age, it would be somewhat okay. I will consult my friends on the ethics of hooking up with her while she’s in the bathroom. They will say, “I dunno man, that's kinda young.” However, the next day they will insist that I should have done it anyway.

The Unlikely Buddy
You've been at the party for a while. One dude is a real douchebag. He's loud. He smokes in the kitchen. Others comment to you, “That kid is a fucking douchebag.” You respond with an affirmative reaction. Then, something happens. You're not sure what, but later on in the night you and the douchebag become lifelong friends. You like the same football team. You begin to agree on fundamental issues: “Yes, her ass is quite enjoyable.” Suddenly it's two hours after the party and you're at a diner with him and two girls ordering eggs-over-easy. How or why you got here, no one knows.

These are the major elements. There are others like: Loud New Jersey Bathroom Girl, “Hey, Isn't He On the Gotti Show” Kid, Drinking Game Nazis, and Timid Girl Wearing A Wool Sweater. I could go on all night. And though I cannot understand why each one must be present, I have faith there is a greater purpose in their lame party existences.

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Scott Owens came to our attention when he showed up for a job interview at Beth, Bad & Beyond covered in his own feces. He was hauled away by the police and shit in their squad car. The upside is that now you can literally smell the cops coming. The downside is Scott's colon has been surgically removed, forcing him to make shit in his mouth.