The Guardian: A Requiem In Four Acts
by Terri Kauffman
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From time to time, Terri will be providing reviews of movies she has yet to see. But fear not Young Stallion, there is no witchcraft here, only logical evidence based on advertisements, promotional materials, the track records of those involved, female intuition, and the like.
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The Guardian, or as I like to call it A Waste of Ten Bucks and Two Hours of Your Life You Can Never Have Back, is a turd. I haven’t seen it, and neither should you.
The first and most obvious problem with this film is the casting of Ashton Kutcher and Kevin Costner as co-stars in an action movie. I’m not even sure why, but when I first heard the news of this pairing I laughed out loud and then questioned whether or not this was some sort of late-blooming April Fool’s Day joke. I still can’t put my finger on why, but the idea of spending two hours watching these dual knuckleheads pretend to be in the military - even if it is just the Coast Guard - is absurd. In fact, the idea of watching them do anything together for two hours is absurd. But why?
Maybe because Kevin Costner’s career ranges from great movies like Field of Dreams and Bull Durham to certified shit balls like The Postman and For Love of the Game. (What is it with Kevin Costner and baseball?) Meanwhile, Ashton Kutcher’s career ranges from “Punk’d” to tabloid-celebrated Marrying Demi Moore. Maybe my uncomfortable feeling is from the fact that, if Ashton were gay, Kevin would be right in his age range? Maybe it’s because Kevin Costner has a love child that’s younger than Ashton Kutcher’s youngest step child? Oh, the confusion!
Are there more laughable pairings for an action movie? Sure. Joey Lawrence and Nicolas Cage, 
for instance. Or Freddie Prinz, Jr. and Mel Gibson. But while those pairings would be ridiculous, there’s a very special kind of kitsch poeticism in the K-Cost /A-Kutch joint that could not possibly be duplicated or explained. If I had to try to explain it, I guess the answer would include the vast schism between how seriously they each take themselves versus how seriously they are actually viewed by the American public. While Kevin Costner has half of a career to take pride in, he jumped the shark after Waterworld. Unfortuantely, nobody bothered to clue him in so he’s still strutting around like he just finished J.F.K., figuring that people go to see movies because he’s in them, whereas in reality, they go in spite of it.
And then we have Ashton. Only time will tell, but it's quite possible that Ashton is the polar opposite of Kevin Costner. Unlike K-Cost, Kutcher does not have half of a career of which to be proud. While “That 70’s Show” was enjoyable, it’s nothing remarkable. And from there, his resume takes a dive. That romantic comedy with Amanda Peet, that one where he meets a black family (with hilarious results!), and that piece of crap with Brittany Murphy were all not only terrible, but forgettable.
I have a theory that opposing parallel worlds will collide with the opening of The Guardian.
BTG (before The Guardian), Kevin Costner was an actor who was respected, at least to some degree, while Ashton was that zany hot guy on a hidden camera show who married an old lady. ATG, their lives will intersect and create an equal and opposite Hollywood reaction.
Ashton will star in the remake of The Natural and other assorted baseball movies, gaining him critical acclaim along with the respect of the theater-going audience. K-Cost will turn to the world of reality shows, hosting a hidden camera dating show where C-list celebrities vie for the attentions of other C-list celebrities and pretend to get engaged at the end. He will marry Trista from The Bachelorette while Ashton will dump Demi for a younger model and have a love child of his own.
Okay, so it’s a ridiculous theory. (Can you imagine hearing the phrase “Academy Award Winner Ashton Kutcher”?) But is it any more ridiculous than expecting an audience to believe that Ashton Kutcher is in the military? Even if it is just the Coast Guard?
Since I haven’t seen the movie, it’s impossible for me to spoil it, but I won’t need a crystal ball to see how this is going to go down. If you’re worried about the ending being ruined, skip ahead to the last paragraph. (I know nobody’s going to see this movie, and anyone who does won’t care about the ending anyway, but the lawyers make me pretend.)
It'll go something like this: Costner is the “best of the best” when it comes to Coast Guard rescue
teams, but somewhere in his past things went sour and he hasn’t been able to “rescue” since. Ashton, on the other hand, is running an opposite but parallel course. He is the cocky young recruit who makes jokes on the outside, but on the inside he cries for the respect of a father that never properly showed him any affection. Could Kevin Costner be the father figure he always needed and wanted? I think he just might!
While Costner is less cocky, he is actually better at the job than Kutcher, even if young Kutcher’s raw instincts are unlike any Costner has seen before. However, none of it will matter if he can’t get a grip on that ornery attitude of his. While Kutcher's group is in “training,” they are inadvertently faced with a real crisis that started out as a drill. Costner benefits from Kutcher’s confidence, while Kutcher benefits from Costner’s experience. In the end, they both become “stronger” rescuers.
Later in the movie, Kutcher’s best friend Goose will be killed in a horrible accident for which Ashton will blame himself. Costner will convince him it wasn't his fault and that he's really good at “rescuing” and shouldn’t let this tragedy ruin a great career. Then the two of them go to a bar, sing “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling” to some pretty girls, and play volleyball with Iceman on the beach. Oh, wait a minute. That’s not the right movie at all. But really, isn't that close enough?
If you need another reason to skip this movie, it’s that it’s two hours and twenty minutes. As I generally give people the advice of living their lives as if there might not be a tomorrow, I ask you one question: If you were dying, and the doctor said you had two hours and twenty minutes left to live, would you spend that time watching this movie? Of course not, so why sacrifice that time now?
As a closing argument to plead my case, I'm going to leave you with the below quote from a user comment at imdb.com. You might at first wonder why I would include this glowing review of the film in my argument of why not to see this movie. I’ve included notes in parentheses below to illustrate my reasons. (It is also important to note that this comment was posted in a thread for a CBS television show called “The Guardian”):
When I first saw the trailer to this movie I was expecting it to be just like all the movies like it.
(Wait, just to clear this up, you expected it to be just like all the movies like it?)
It is. But, it had a lot of laughable parts.
(Maybe you thought you were seeing a comedy instead.)
Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher do a wonderful job of acting off of each other.
(Yet, there are a lot of “laughable” parts in this action movie.)
The movie is a bit lengthy (2 hours and 20 minutes) and I will agree there are some parts of it that could have been taken out but all in all it is a wonderful movie.
(So, it’s a too-long laughable action movie that’s wonderful?)
Word of advice, bring the Kleenex because it will make you cry at several parts in the movie.
(Break up immediately if your date is crying at any point in this movie. Especially the part where “Goose” dies.)
Josh Hartnett is a wonderfully talented rising star and pairing him with Kevin Costner was a very beautiful decision.
(Just to be clear, Josh Hartnett is not in this movie.)
Two things I did not like about the movie: some of the scenes needed to be removed and why is it that whenever they do a military school movie the characters have to state that their school is the hardest and most elite? Well, which one is the best? I will leave that for you to decide.
(Here’s my decision: I don’t care and I'm not going to see this movie.)
After reading that, ask yourself this: Do I really want to see a movie that the obviously “special” person who wrote this is actually defending? I think the answer is clear.
The trailer tries to trick you with it’s tag line “When Lives are on the Line, Sacrifice is Everything”, but the only “lives” at stake are the professional ones of the Buena Vista executives who thought putting Costner and Kutcher in an action movie sounded like a good idea. Don’t let them fool you, this movie does not deserve your sacrifice. .
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People say you can’t judge a book by its cover. Terri Kauffman thinks those people are wrong. Her favorite pastime is judging things immediately, whether they're books, movies, or people. You've been warned.
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