Horror-Scopes: Intro Edition

by Mistress Coitus

-----

As a service to our readers, Mistress Coitus will be providing once-monthly excursions into the horrific world of horoscopic predictions, so you will better know which condoms to avoid and which sample size conditioner bottle to smuggle onto an airplance up your ass. We begin with a reprint of her unique predictions from Issue One. Don't worry, they'll work just as well.

-----

(from the archives)

Aquarius
January 20th – February 18th

Ah, the air sign. It reminds me of the foul gas I had this morning. Last night, I had gone out for Ethiopian food with my lover Frank and his battered wife. We ordered one of those vegetarian plates – Frank’s wife had to lose weight or else he wouldn’t want to hate-fuck her – and after a hearty meal of lentils and beer, I went home. Today I awoke with sharp pains in my lower abdomen followed by a mass exodus of gaseous air. My cat, Skippy, was temporarily knocked unconscious and I was left marinating in my fecal stench. I immediately called Frank to see if he had the same problem, to which he yelled “Yes!” while punching his wife. That fat bitch had to pay for giving us gas.

Pisces
February 19th – March 20th

You know your girl needs a shower when her cooch starts smelling like bad sushi. Since Venus is in retrograde and Mars has moved into its 7th house of whores, you will be in fish hell. Your girlfriend will have bad crotch-rot and there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it. Ladies, I suggest finding that red tent that they used to send the women to during their periods and just wait it out. Otherwise you will be bombarded by dogs sniffing and snapping at your crotch. Not a bad thing if you are into bestiality.

Aries
March 21st – April 19th

Today while visiting my local video store’s porn section, I saw an old man weeping. At first I thought he recognized his 17-year-old granddaughter. But when I yelled, “Hey buddy, shut the fuck up!” he quietly told me his dilemma. Porn no longer excited him sexually and he concluded that he was impotent. I felt bad for the dude and suggested he pick up golf. So should you. This month is your hole-in-one.

Taurus
April 20th – May 20th

Your girlfriend will discover you secret crush on Jordan Knight from The New Kids on The Block. She will dump you immediately and you will finally be free to stalk Scott Baio full-time with the hope that he will let you tea-bag him.

Gemini
May 21st – June 21st

Beer is not your friend this month. I don’t care how many times it has gotten you laid or helped relieve constipation: stay away. You have gotten way too fucking fat and no one likes you.

Cancer
June 22nd – July 22nd

Your herpes are flaring up this month. Probably because you are a fucking whore who doesn’t bother to shower off the various bodily fluids before the next go round. Grab a steel pad and scour your skin red-raw. You want all the pustules drained and dried, the crabs killed, and the missing patches of hair replaced. If you are going to get that raise by giving some good head, try not to look like a cracked-out hooker.

Leo
July 23rd – August 22nd

My mother always told me to wear clear underwear. I never understood the reason for this until I was thrown in jail for detox. I was put in the tank with a few other delinquents. In an effort to pass time we played “I’ll show you mine, you show me yours.” Well, I was never so fucking embarrassed as I was that night. When I went to show my pussy, my undies revealed a different story: skidmarks. They laughed for a good 20 minutes. Even the cops had a chuckle or two. Two lessons learned that night: Never crap your pants. And if you do, change your underwear.

Virgo
August 23rd – September 22nd

You will find out that the one-year Internet relationship you’ve been having has been with your mother. You will instantly throw up in your mouth when you count the many times you have masturbated while IM’ing with about her “dirty twat”. Once the initial nausea passes, you will read some V.C. Andrews and realize “Hey, it’s not that bad!” and call your Mom for a lunch “date”.

Libra
September 23rd – October 22nd

If you voted for Bush in ’00 and/or ’04, you will die of gonorrhea. Yeah, that’s what I said you Republican piece of shit! If you didn’t vote for Bush, may you be blessed with the largest penis (men) and easily achieved multiple orgasms (women).

Scorpio
October 23rd – November 21st

When you come home from a trip to your local Wal-Mart, don’t be surprised to see the FBI at your house going through your porn section and questioning your terrorist ties. As it turns out, that fat whore Betty – who you fucked two weeks ago while completely shitfaced – saw you flip off the President, who was blabbering on a Wal-Mart TV. In retaliation for you not calling her again, she called the feds. That stupid bitch.

Sagittarius
November 22nd – December 21st

You little sister’s best friend, who wants to do you, will confiscate your favorite vibrator as a memento. You will badger your sister to death as to its whereabouts. When she doesn’t disclose it, you will kill her. At the funeral, her best friend comes clean that he was the one who lifted it. You will all have a holly-jolly laugh as the two of you simultaneously piss on your sister’s newly sealed grave.

Capricorn
December 22nd – January 19th

When I was in the Vietnam War, I banged a lot of whores. Not once did I contract a STD. What I got was worse: a lot of illegitimate kids who are now coming out of the fucking woodwork trying to have a “relationship” with me. Fuck that shit! I didn’t do their Mom so that I could raise some ½ Asian strays. I did what any self-respecting American soldier would do: I went to a foreign country, and fucked it. Try it. But remember to wear a rubber or claim infertility.
-----

Mistress Coitus lives on a hilltop, somewhere between this dimension and the next, with her dog Fluffy Scruffinton III and her vibrator The CuntBlaster 3400TM. She provides horoscopes the day after her monthly vaginal bleeding.