September 11th Was All Hype

by Tim Norton

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After the twin towers came down, fear spread throughout the country about the inevitable second terrorist threat to come. But where is it? Is the fear justified? Does fear make people horny? How long until the buildings start attacking back? One thing's for sure, however: The time has come to partially answer none of those questions with an article written by a schizophrenic from the ghetto.

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Here's how it really went down.

This group of guys, 19 or 20 or so, used to hang out on Sundays and play soccer. With hopes that they would some day make it into an issue of Duct Tape & Rouge, they would play this game called, loosely translated from Arabic, “Splooge into half-a-soccer ball chalice.” It was basically a post-game group masturbation circle-jerk. The losing team would cut a soccer ball in half and all race to unload in the ball (“chalice”). The last player to spray the little spermies into the chalice had to pound it like a shot of fine Allah Tequila. It was an old tradition that kept the games competitive.

One day, upon the loud sound the soccer ball made when they cut it open, “BOOM!” one of them had a thought. The same kind of thought that 99% of all people have when they pass by the cockpit on the way to their seat. A thought that starts, “What if...”

And that was it. Nothing else. No great symbolic statement. No mass effort to take down the Great White Devil. No anything at all. Just a whole group of bandwagon jumpers. And it was a real big damn bandwagon, with Britney Spears driving. How do I know this? Simple.

Think about it. How hard would it be for just one of their other buddies, just one, to walk into the Mall of America in Minneapolis - which, according to www.gayparentmag.com is over 37,000 square feet in size - how fucking hard would it be for just one guy, ready for his 72 virgins, to walk into that fucking mall during a December Kwanzaa sale, scream “Praise Allah!!” with some explosives in his Jansport backpack and cause a real muthafuckin’ riot!! Are you kidding me? For 72 virgins? It’s a no-brainer. It happens daily in Israel. There's nothing to it.

The biggest obstacle is getting the explosives, but if you couldn't figure it out in under two hours on Google, then, well, you're a loser, and DT&R will be raising the cost of your subscription.

While you’re at it, don't feed me any b.s. about Homeland Security protecting targets in this post-9/11 world. That's a fat pile of camel-crap. Disneyland has metal detectors, sure. But Times Square doesn't. Nor Hollywood & Highland. Nor the MGM Grand. Nor any of the 1000s of malls, churches, McDonald's, and Gap-for-Kids across this land of infidels. And there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to keep some 18-year-old who likes virgins from going into a library, getting the bomb recipe, studying Chemistry 2, ordering legal supplies online, going to the hardware store and/or stealing supplies from local demolition projects, and fulfilling his lifelong mission, as it has been fed to him since the day he was born. I mean, shit, most 18-year-old guys would consider stuff like that for a BJ from a fat transvestite. But for 72 virgins? You can mail it in.

Just too damn easy.

So all this hype: Five years of war and alliances and debates and cheesy Oliver Stone films? I'm telling you, it really went down because a group of 19 guys had one too many sperm cocktails. And there's nothing more to it than that.

Because, okay, let's say this game started five years ago. Since then they've pulled off a whopping two other attacks in London and Madrid? Wow. So their three attacks to our five years of pounding and pummeling Afghanistan, Iraq and Lebanon; in basketball, that translates to like 7,468 to 6. Okay sure, we’ll give them Hezbollah. But that just makes the score 7,468 to 10.

If they really were a force to contend with, I’d think their coach could design a few more plays, no? I mean, what happened to the anthrax? It’s not as if that all just disappeared? It’s not as easy to get, but shit, have you ever looked at the side of a Crystal Draino container? Insecticides and computer chemicals? I mean, I’m not going to really sit here and speculate on how many things could be poured into a town's reservoir, or into a large building's air conditioning ducts, but Jesus Christ, it’s been FIVE YEARS!

And here we are, still worrying about it. It’s like the midget-streaker that ran through your wedding and ruined your entire marriage. It was just one little incident, man.

Get over it.

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Tim Norton is a philanthro-terrorist. He gave his first million to Hezbollah outright, and spends his summers playing bridge with his grandmother, healing his inner child and stretching his cremaster. This is not him.