Unacceptable Animals

by Tom Oatmeal

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I know what you’re thinking, no, this isn’t about unacceptable animals to have sex with. It’s about unacceptable animals and their useless contribution to society. If they were unacceptable by societal standards but not sexual, then we’d have Yahtzee, but for now we’ll have to settle for beating them senseless in a dead-end alley while smoking crack wishing our beloved Donkey, Oscar, was still alive.

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Here’s what’s up: I know a great deal about animals because I study them relentlessly, especially horses. I’ve read more books about animals than all engineers, mathematicians, and scientists combined. Animal Rights activists hate me because when it comes to animals, I tell it like it is. Instead of making bullshit statements such as, “All animals are good,” I won’t hesitate to point a finger at animals that piss me off. If I have a problem with an animal I’ll tell him to his face that I think he’s a fucking jerk. Not all animals are good. In fact, here are a few that really suck:

The Gray Horse from the Farmer’s Market

I was eating licorice at the farmer's market last Sunday and I saw a gray horse. He looked like absolute hell. I hope he's not an alcoholic or something. Even his hair-do was all disheveled. I mean, this horse really looked like he needed to get his shit together. If I was the manager at some place that hired horses and this gray horse came in looking for a job, I'd tell him, "No way." Then while he's walking away, I'd shout, "And take a shower for God's sakes!" I’d say that last part loud enough so everyone in the store could hear. Maybe they would laugh and we could shame this horse into getting his life back on track, I wouldn’t want to just assume he’s a lost cause. Of course, I’m sure that I’d look out the window just in time to see the horse riding away on a stolen bicycle. I’d slap my palm down on the counter and say, “Why do I even try?” Seriously though, this gray horse was such a sad sap he elicited the same feelings of depression in me that I got after watching a documentary on meth-related head injuries.

All Werewolves

According to an expert source, www.kidwizard.com, werewolves are humans that transform into wolves during a full moon. The transformation causes the subject to completely lose the ability to make rational decisions. Werewolves are known for eating corpses as well as living people, which is pretty irrational if you ask me. Often times, a werewolf cannot remember the time spent as a vicious wolf. This is frightening because the werewolf might consider himself a positive member of the community and really he’s responsible for several deaths. There is this story about a werewolf that worked with the Meals on Wheels program. During the day, he prepared and delivered hot meals to many of the city’s homeless population. Then at night, he’d hunt those same people down and eat them. I’m pretty sure that happened during the 80s.

Werewolves are also hard to catch. Their crimes don’t have motives so the police find it hard to anticipate the next crime or even find suspects. Even when police are pretty certain a werewolf is responsible for a crime, they are hesitant to release that opinion to the public. The majority of the general public is skeptical about the existence of werewolves. If you were a cop and you went to visit the family of a murder victim, the last thing those people would want to hear you say is, “I’m going to catch the werewolf that killed your aunt.” For some reason they tend to think you’re not serious about your job. That’s happened to me before and I discovered the best thing to do was say, “If I’m not serious about my job, then what do you call this?” As I said the word, “this” I opened up the front of my coat so they could see that I was wearing a nice shirt and tie. It didn’t bring back their loved one, but it helped.

The Two-Dimensional Dog I Saw at the Park

Nothing stresses me out more than living things that don’t follow the same scientific laws as the rest of society. Here’s a message to my neighbors: It’s bad enough you figured out a way to pry open the gates of hell wide enough to reach in and steal one of the many creepy dogs that dwell there, but I can’t fucking believe you would let him run around the same park where my friends and I are trying to play baseball. I had been watching the dog all afternoon and I just assumed he was normal because I had seen him running around from the side. Suddenly, the dog charged right at me and I couldn’t believe how aerodynamic his body was. “Son of a bitch, he’s two-dimensional!” I thought. Just then I got smacked in the head with a fly ball, which caused me to shit my pants.

All of the Seals at the Seal Beach

There is a Seal Beach around San Diego that sucks so bad I wish I could build a hotel there. It’s impossible to find and when you finally get there, the seals just lay around like lazy fat-asses. They make no effort to entertain anyone outside of the uncontrollable fact that they have faces like dogs, which is awesome, but not enough to make up for the long car ride. What’s worse is that some stupid lady in a safari hat keeps saying shit to you like, “I can see that granola bar in your hand. You better not be thinking about throwing it at the seals.” Then while you’re thinking about how you’d like to throw her at the seals, you look down to realize that the chocolate granola bar has melted in your hand, which makes it difficult to throw at the seals. Also, it’s the fudge-dipped kind so basically it looks like you just fisted your asshole. Man!

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Tom Oatmeal can animate oatmeal with his mind, hence the last name. He has been using his superhuman ability to defend the citizens of Forest City, Iowa (population 4300) for the past four years. Eventually, he hopes to use the line, "Now that's what I call a sticky situation!"