Ask The Editors: 1.21 Gigawatts Edition

by The Editors

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In this first edition of the sure-to-be-extremely-sporadic advice column by the huge-mammaried and large-testicled editors of DT&R, we examine the problem of one young man and his odd habit of combining Michael J. Fox, fecal matter, and sperm production.

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Dear DT&R:

Lately I found that I'm into fetishes. Not many, not most, but one really, really weird fetish. I need help figuring out what to do and my friends told me you are the authority on all knowledge, especially pertaining to this particular fetish.

A few months ago, I was riding my bike down an alley, mainly because I don't like to ride on the street because LA drivers are horrible, so I cruise down the alleys to get some quiet and some time where I don't have to fear for my life. Also that's where the dealers and hookers can be found.

Anyhoo, after I got a fresh bag of crack, I smoked it and passed out. I woke up a few days later, naked and covered in poo and urine. I got up and went to get on my bike, which was gone. I scratched my head, not knowing what to do. I looked around the dumpsters trying to find some sort of clothing or transport, but all I found was a broken skateboard, so I decided to "make it work", as Tim Gunn would say. I found some tape and glue in the dumpster, repaired the board, and off I went down Santa Monica Blvd., naked, covered in human excrement and sporting a giant hard-on.

It took me a few minutes to realize where the hard-on came from: Back to the Future.

That scene where Marty, stuck in the 50s, stole that kids boxcar thingy and road it like a skateboard was always such a turn on to me. I was so aroused that I jizzed all over my stomach as I road through town. Oddly, no one cared, probably because they were too busy watching those erotic tranny hookers walk by.

So now, every time I take a dump, I have to rip off my clothes, smear it all over myself, pop in Back to the Future, and masturbate.

It's not a big deal when I'm at home, but when I'm at work or in public it makes for an odd sight. How can I keep it under control when I'm not at home?

Thanks,

Marty's McFly
Canton, Ohio
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Dear Marty,

Since the establishment of Duct Tape & Rouge, we have strictly enforced two self-imposed rules:

1. Thou shalt not spread fecal matter on yourself.
2. Thou shalt not masturbate to 80s movies.

While the 1st rule was put in more as a guideline to appease the other tenants in our building - we can't begin to explain how awkward it was riding down the elevator after one of our "Pooptoberfest" parties - the 2nd rule was put in simply because 80s movies had too much hairspray and shoulderpads and not enough penetration for our liking.

You're lucky then, Marty's, that our 3rd rule was "Thou shall help any and all sick fucks be as sick as possible whenever presented the opportunity in our to make thyself look less disgusting by comparison".

With that said, we think you should embrace your nature. Don't let silly things like "publicly decency" or "laws" keep you from masturbating in public with feces on you while watching Back to the Future. On the contrary, our suggestion is to set up a Yahoo! public group so other people who share your affliction - and you'd be surprised by the number of people that do - could support you, both financially and emotionally. While you're at it, why not try out a few other choice scenes from 80s movies.

Our suggestions:

- Judd Nelson crawling through the vent in The Breakfast Club.
- Matthew Broderick playing his infected keyboard in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
- John Candy talking about how his ax can circumsize a gnat in Uncle Buck.
- Tom Cruise pretending to be straight in Top Gun.
-The entirety of Mr. Mom.

Anxiously awaiting Screeched,

The Editors

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Does your fetish remind you of iconic 80s movies? Are you curious what that feeling in your pants is? Can we blow you where the pampers is? Then send us an email.