Ask The Editors: My Anus Ate My Baby
by The Editors
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In this, our second edition of Ask The Editors, we explore one man's journey into committmentland, and whether or not his anus should remain involved in the rearing of their possibly adopted Namibian baby, Roy.
Dear Duct Tape & Rouge:
In the past few months, my girlfriend has been getting more and more into anal play. Usually this wouldn't be anything I shy away from - Lord knows spelunked plenty of rectums in my day - except this time it's a little different. You see, the ass that's being played with is mine, and she's been putting everything she can get her hands on up there. A pen. A Sharpie marker. A contact lens (still missing). A can opener. A baseball commemorating the 2004 Red Sox. If it had stopped there, I wouldn't mind so much - even if the baseball lost some of its collectable value because of the ass juice - but she took it a step further when we were at a "Saving Namibia's Children" charity banquet last week.
Now before I go further, I have to explain something about my girlfriend. She has a strange fetish where, whenever she sees someone doing charity acts for others, she gets super-horny. And since that feeling increases exponentially whenever tiny African children are involved - those late night Sally Strothers infomercials are her porno - I knew I was going to be in for quite the night.
About an hour into it, I felt her rubbing my leg under the table. She got up and strolled towards the bathroom, I followed five minutes later, and we started making love. About ten minutes in, she opened her purse and pulled out a small Namibian child, which she promptly stuck up my ass. And that's my quandary.
I'm far too comfortable with my sexuality to ask one of those "does this make me gay?" questions, but I have no idea what to do with this kid now? We obviously couldn't return him to the charity, being full of ass sweat and all, so we had to keep him. Does this mean our relationship has reached that next ready-to-raise-a-child phase? Should I ask her for her hand in marriage? Do you think we're ready? And if not, do you know if Madonna is looking for a child to complete her pair?
Yours in Christ,
Danger Brown
Dear Danger Brown:
Don’t feel alone in your conundrum, many a folk have the same plight as you. Maybe not the same circumstances but the same woes in regards to making a serious decision or commitment. When making this life-altering decision, here’s a few questions you should ask yourself:
- Will you girlfriend be there for your “empty nest” syndrome when the child gets too old and too big to house in your anal cavity?
- When the child does get too old and too big, will she tire of the entertainment value and sexual gratification he once provided and discard him in a garbage can?
- If you do decide to rear this child, will she be able to have the “We aren’t your biological parents” talk or will she want to avoid it all together and tell your new son that he’s just color blind?
- Should her shoving-kids-up-your-anus fetish continue, will your child get jealous when he has new brothers and sisters who not only don’t share his ethnicity (You can only have one African child if you want to be diverse in adopting), but get to spend their time up your ass while he no longer can? Will it lead to alienation and are you and your girlfriend emotionally ready to heal his emotional pain?
- Has anyone noticed he’s missing? (Doubtful)
-Do you love her or do you just love the freak in her?
-Do you have Madonna’s publicist’s phone number just as a back-up? If not, Angelina Jolie’s?
- Are you apposed to infanticide?My advice would be to try. See how it goes. You might like having the little tyke around. Kids have many uses outside of sexual foreplay. They can clean your house, do the dishes, take out the trash, run errands for you, cook, give you massages, answer the phone and when they get old enough, chauffer you around. I think the best reason to have a kid is to have a maid/slave. Kids need to feel valuable and needed when they are young. They are much like dogs in an unconditional loving way so long as you don’t beat them – too much – and forget to feed them, they’ll be your best friend for life, or until they reach puberty and then you might want to consider driving them across the border and tossing them out. Once they start bitching to you about what music to play in your car or how they want a social life of their own, it’s time for them to go and time for you to start planning your next trip to “Saving Namibia’s Children” charity banquet for a replacement.
Standing by Britney during her divorce of Fed-ex,
The Editors
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Do you have an issue you don't feel comfortable sharing with your closest of pals? Are you an isolated loner with only the comfort of your stuffed animals? Are you wondering if it's OK to smear peanut butter on the inside of your ass and then sit on a pile of jelly while fondling your genitals? If you answered yes to any of these questions, please email us as soon as possible.
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