A Call To Arms For The Society For The Evolution Of The English Language
by Brandon D. Christopher
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This brief missive by Brandon Dynamite Christopher is to be taken as an open declaration of war on the English language. Where do you stand? There will be no fence-straddlers in this war. Take a side!
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How many times have you had to pick up a pen and write some godforsaken story, letter, or school report only to find that the English language has let you down? “What do you mean, Sal?” I hear you asking. What I mean is the complete lack of understanding of words in our own language: How can you say that your apartment is “disheveled” when there is no actual “heveled” to be “dis” from? How can something be “un” or “dis” when there is no prior foundation word?
The English language is full of all sorts of these little conundrums, and that is why the great minds at Duct Tape & Rouge have formed The Society for the Evolution of the English Language — because other countries are laughing at us, mocking us for taking their turd-like remnants of a language and constructing our own…and quite poorly.
It is 2007, and it’s time we as Americans stood tall and proud and fixed our broken English language. I’ve compiled a list of some of the major vernacular discrepancies we have on our plate, and I beg of you to find more. We will not stop until we have solved them all, one word at a time.
1) The Philippines is a country in Asia, but someone from there is a Filipino. What the fuck, I mean phuck happened? Why did the “Ph” become an “F”? This is what I’m talking about.
2) The word: Acknowledgement. Seriously now! Have you ever tried to spell this word out? There’s 15 letters in this word! It’s not a medical term; it’s not an ingredient in my diet Dr. Pepper, it’s a fucking word I use every three days! Can we try and shorten it up to “Aknowment”?
3) To refer to someone as an anus in a derogatory way, you would call them an asshole (one word). But when referring to an anus in medical or conversation terms, you would say, “My ass hole (two words) is like silk love.” Now, do we really need to have a space between the two words simply to distinguish between its usage? No, we don’t.
4) I really think the actress Maria Bello is hot. That’s not really part of this story, but I just wanted to throw that in there.
5) I originally wanted to bring up the word “unkempt”, which means messy or untidy, because I couldn’t find any “kempt” to be “un” from, but then I found out how to spell it correctly, and there is indeed a “kempt” in the dictionary. And “unkempt” was my foundation word, my cornerstone, for the origin of The Society for the Evolution of the English Language, and finding that my theory is incorrect, because of that goddamned word being in the dictionary, I’m afraid I am now dissolving my organization to better the English language. Best of luck.
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A native of Los Angeles, Brandon D. Christopher has survived 41 jobs, 7 cars, 4 days in jail, and completed a 3-hour Learning Annex seminar to become a private investigator. He is the author of several published essays and short stories, and is currently searching for a publisher for his latest novel Dirty Little Altar Boy. He can be reached at BrandonDChristopher@hotmail.com.
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