Camp Crystal Lake - October Newsletter

by Tom Oatmeal

-----

With the grand Halloween holiday upon us - we're hoping you're reading this in your sexy nurse, or sexy cop, or sexy sex addict costume - we felt it would shameful of us if we didn't somehow celebrate it. And what better way to celebrate it than with the wonderful prose of the sickest, most profanely shameful, probable baby-eating writer we could think of, Mr. Tom Oatmeal. Enjoy.

-----

With November's cold weather quickly approaching, we're once again faced with the end of another camping season here at Camp Crystal Lake. This will be the last newsletter until next March when we begin the staffing process for our summer camp programs. I'd like to thank our camp counselors for a job well done. As always, I'd like to use this final letter to talk about the things that worked this past year and also to address some possible changes we can make to make next season that much more successful and enjoyable.

THINGS THAT WORKED

The vending machine snack options
This was always a problem before, but I think we did a great job figuring out some snacks that everyone on our staff can enjoy. Special thanks to Ryan for suggesting those individual bags of trail mix. Also, Robin, I'd like to apologize for accusing you of lying about being allergic to dairy. I had never heard of that before, but I know now that dairy is a legitimate allergen. I should not have called you a retard, especially in front of that group of retarded kids, and I was also out of line when I phoned your parents to tell them that you'd died after drinking a glass of milk just to see how they'd react. I'm truly sorry and I promise I'll call your parents back first thing tomorrow to clear up the miscommunication. Other than that, I'd say our vending machine situation is one wheel that don't need fixin'! Good job guys!

CHANGES WE SHOULD MAKE

Add a more reliable phone system equipped with a speed dial option for important numbers
I've already started looking for phone systems that can't be rendered useless if one single panel is disrupted. As it turns out there are several options here so I'll just have to find the one that best fits our budget. Also, I've spoken with the director of the FBI and he is considering sending some agents down here to look around our campsite. Personally, I don't know why this process has been so difficult since I think the alarming number of grisly, motiveless murders that have occurred at Camp Crystal Lake should've warranted some attention from the Feds years ago. It makes me so upset to think about how many murders could've been avoided if we hadn't been forced to rely on bumbling, inexperienced, local police officers as our only line of defense. I'll keep you posted on how this develops.

Better locks on our equipment sheds
I feel like I bring this up every year and I know I sound like a broken record, but we absolutely have to make sure that our equipment stays locked up when we're not using it. I don't think any of our people are getting in there, but regardless of that, when the equipment goes missing, I have to replace it using money that is best spent elsewhere. This is so frustrating because replacing equipment is such an expensive cost and the fact that this problem should be so easy to avoid only makes me angrier. In addition to that, our local police department recently informed me that 85% of the deaths at our camp last summer involved pitchforks, machetes, hedge trimmers, and other equipment all belonging to us. Obviously, I don't have to tell you how bad this is. We can be sued by a number of people for various liability reasons and I expect much of my holidays to be spent in the courtroom, just like last year. In short: I'm getting locks for the sheds over the break. Use them!

Add paved hiking trails
This seemed to be one of the more popular topics at this year's National Parks & Recreation meeting that I attended in Dallas last September. A lot of the other Park Rangers discovered that adding paved hiking trails helped them attract large numbers of elderly people and other folks who had previously felt overwhelmed by the grueling physical requirements needed to navigate through natural, unkempt forest trails. Also, paved hiking trails cover various guidelines in the Americans with Disabilities Act, which might help us turn down the heat from the incident I mentioned in last month's newsletter regarding our decision to remove all of the handicapped parking spaces in order to provide some extra parking accommodations for our more "able-bodied" visitors. In addition to that, I think paved hiking trails might help us cut down on the amount of murders that occur when teenagers are stabbed to death because they lost their footing on one of our trails and fell during an attempt to elude a masked sociopath. Obviously, we'll see what the budget looks like before we make any decisions, but we should definitely keep this in mind.

Increase summer camp program participation by 10%
While I was impressed that we got anyone to participate in our various summer camp programs at all, I think we should always work at increasing that number each year. I was originally going to make the goal be a 25% increase, but I realize that we are dealing with an uphill battle for a couple of reasons. First off, as many of you know, former NBA star, Dominique Wilkins, recently started a summer basketball camp down the road from us. Unlike other basketball camps, Wilkins is there on-site to teach youngsters how to excel at all aspects of the game. Really, Wilkins wants the members of his camp to learn how to condition themselves to utilize their strengths and polish their weaknesses. His dedication to his camp really shines on the last day of camp when, instead of playing basketball, the campers get to drink Gatorade and watch Wilkins bawl his eyes out while he licks a basketball. In other words, it's a pretty good experience and many campers might choose it over Camp Crystal Lake. Also, I think most people find it hard to discuss our camp without mentioning the fact that over a hundred people have been brutally murdered here since the late 1970's. Oh, and I think the word is out that we're not doing t-shirts this next year, which also doesn't help our image. Let's see if we can promote this thing better in the next few months and then if that doesn't work, we'll do what we do every year: plant old crack-filled light bulbs in Wilkins' car.

Try to decrease employee turnover rate by 10%
While I love to hire new people for our camp counselor program each year, I would love to see some of our older counselors take a more proactive approach in pursuing a career with Camp Crystal Lake. At the beginning of the summer, I really felt like one of our counselors, Adam, was going to do great things with us well into the future, but sadly, he took his own life after a canoeing session by pinning himself against a tree and twisting his own head around 360 degrees. Of the remaining counselors, the ones who weren't murdered are currently in therapy to help them cope with watching their peers get slaughtered like cattle. I went ahead and told some of them to stay in touch if they are looking for future employment, but I'm not banking on anything there since I really don't know a lot about the duration of that kind of therapy. Ideally, I'd say let's try to completely eliminate murders at Camp Crystal Lake during the summer, but that's basically impossible. Based on that, I think our best chance of obtaining long-term employees is to focus on ways we can make the experience of being a camp counselor fun enough that a few grisly murders won't ruin the whole thing. Off the top of my head, I think having ice-cream available in the mess hall every day is a step in the right direction. I'll welcome any other suggestions you can think of.

Anyways, that's everything I can think of. Hopefully, you'll get time over the holidays to brainstorm ways to make Camp Crystal Lake a better success next summer. Thank you for all of your help and I am looking forward to another great camping season!

Best wishes,
Ranger Keith

-----

Tom Oatmeal can animate oatmeal with his mind, hence the last name. He has been using his superhuman ability to defend the citizens of Forest City, Iowa (population 4300) for the past four years. Eventually, he hopes to use the line, "Now that's what I call a sticky situation!" He can be MySpace'd here.