Degenerates Doing The Desperate: A Very European Love Story

by Asiatown

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Intrepid international word-wanker Asiatown, last seen dodging bullets in Israel, learns to prize bachelorhood as he takes a look at what passes for relationships nowdays.

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What is a stagdoer? Bet you don't know.

A stagdoer, my dear reader (or readers, if I'm lucky) is defined as a British/Irish/Scottish lad who, on the cusp of holy matrimony, mere days from pledging to care for his beloved in sickness and in health and to fore sake all others (do they still say that? It sounds so quaint) takes advantage of low-cost international flights to spread his goodwill and semen across the proletariat fallopian tubes of Eastern Europe. It is very easy to recognize these lads.

First off, they tend to be quite beefy; two hundred pounds is the norm. Secondly, their scurvy-inflected skin is in a sort of perpetual rage, a constant shade of deep maroon. And finally, if you do not see them, you can still hear them a hundred feet away. There is no more misbegotten combination than an Englishman (or American for that matter) with a beer and a grand sense of entitlement. It was in fact just one such lad (from South Carolina, naturally) who told me, when I questioned the eternal wisdom of G the mighty W, to "shut up", cuz after seventeen years I was "not even from this country."

Internet forums are a wonderful window into the human soul (assuming these humans have souls), given its sense of anonymity, which allows people to shed all pretensions. I was once privy to a discussion amongst English teachers on the relative merits of Asian and European womenfolk, and as they discussed weight and breast sizes with the deadly earnestness of Harvard-trained anthropologists, I began to form a mental image of frustrated pimply suburban virgins locked in their ma's basement with an Internet connection and five nimble fingers. When they turn eighteen, these lads are released from captivity and, having no idea what to do in actual relationships, decide to set out for the holy grail of getting laid. With this singular mission guiding their existence, their view of male-female relationships formed by the Internet and so-called 'lad magazines'. Without the funds required to impress and land a Western mate, they (Americans and Brits alike) go prospecting for booty out East.

Fair or not, being Westerners and English-speakers will give them a head start in many areas. In Bulgaria, where teachers earn one Euro an hour, or Slovakia, where my students tell me that anyone with a scrap of intelligence and ambition makes it their business to get out of Slovakia post-haste, being Western will make you a golden child amongst the masses. So what do you do with that reputation? Destroy it, of course.

Even the most good-natured and/or envious Slovak or Polish or Estonian woman will become a gold-digging she-beast after contact with these fellas. Romantic notions are shed at the speed of light and she begins to dream in Pounds. So it goes that a relationship based on mutual exploitation is formed, parasites feeding off each other. The speed with which tables can turn surprises many.

A teacher in Korea expressed angst at being informed by his beloved Exotic one that she is really trying to keep a lid on her shopping expenditures - 700,000 won per month, max. (He was making about 1,900,000 won per month.) But then, what else can you expect? At least she is not expecting.

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Asiatown lives a hermetic existence at asiatown77.blogspot.comwhere he'll sometimes ask for Paypal donations to be sent to huefl@yahoo.com. Can you imagine the cost of heating a cave in Slovakia?