Dracula's Notes From Speed-Dating

by Rick Paulas

Even the Undead get horny now and then.

Amanda, 35 years old
Not seeing "Emperor of the Undead" on her Dislikes section, I immediately liked my chances. When the conversation turned to the cinema, I was delighted! Many times have I sat in the back of a dark theater, watching the movements dance on the screen ahead, my wildest fantasies becoming authentic. To think if I would have died when I supposed to, I would never have seen Chaplin's beloved "Table Ballet"! However, once she mentioned her love for Punch-Drunk Love, I immediately threw up in my mouth. The stench must have been too much for her understandably so, knowing the contents of my last meal. But seriously, I'll give you Renfeld's services for six months if you can tell me what'™s the point of Adam Sandler's tiny fucking piano in that movie? Anyone?

Jamie, 21 years old
A little young? Sure. Then again, anyone under the age of 400 is a "little young" to me. Either way, I don't think we really matched well. She was wearing the proper Goth attire (black everything), but after my initial barrage of probing questions, I got the sense she was one of those poser Goth chicks. Now, that's not a horrible thing; Lord knows how many of those I've bedded in my day! But I'm looking for someone who's not just using me to get back at their parents.

Susan, 46 years old
She was nice, but a "little too nice", if you know what I mean. Oh, I'll just come out and say it: she was nauseatingly moral. Going on-and-on about the 54 children in Africa she adopted. Blech. Oh, and she showed me pictures of the team who gathered her UNICEF contributions. Apparently, it took three men to carry the oversized bank out of her house. I just don't see our two lifestyles really working out; her charity work, my sending souls to eternal damnation.

Sarah, 29 years
Ever wonder what a full size female Bobble Head doll would look like? Me too. Until I met Sarah, that is. Ugh. Next!

Mandy, 24 years
24? Maybe back in 1995. Who is she kidding? Ha! Seriously though, if one constant has remained during my centuries upon centuries of dwelling on this wretched planet, it's my unvarying wit. But unfortunately when I take a woman on a date she cares less about that and more about my cape, or my teeth, or my hobbies. You can only talk about your obsession with rats so many times. This Speed-dating sucks. Maybe I should try MySpace.

Lampasma, 327 years old
Seeing as her soul was taken in her late 20s, the age above is a bit deceiving. She's well-kept, not looking a day over 43. We hit it off right away since we both like the same things: candlelight, coffins that don't creak, marsupials, and a nice warm bubble bath to wind down an evening. The only problem is that she's a bit overweight. Probably likes the marsupials a little too much! What really irks me though is that I specified "no fatties" on my pre-interview questionnaire.