DT&R's Look At New Year's Resolutions

by Brandon D. Christopher


-----

This article is not only one of the greatest works of satire produced thus far in 2007 (top 750, at least) but also marks the first entry by our newest Associate Editor, Mr. Brandon D. Christopher. You might remember from such articles as "Athiests: What the Fuck's Their Problem?", "Tumors & You", "Sweet Home, Al A. Bama: How to Make Your Dirty Muslim Name More American", and, of course, the illustrious Being 13 series. Please welcome him with open arms, buttholes, and vaginas.

-----

The year 2007 is fresh upon us, and we here at Duct Tape & Rouge wanted to know some of your New Year’s resolutions. We had a few good ones of our own, but not many of them stuck around longer than January 4th—like that resolution to stop using Polish kielbasa in an inappropriate manner, or to stop yelling racial slurs out our car window, or to actually use a toilet at night instead of pissing in the kitchen sink. But in our defense, it’s really quite fun pissing on your dishes, and it’s equally thrilling yelling, “Hey, Chinaman, where’s the railroad?” out our car window, and the kielbasa situation—well, do we even need to go into that?

Gary from West Hollywood had a good resolution: “My New Year’s thing was to quit calling my wife a whore. She and I sat down on New Year’s Day and discussed our marriage, our kids, and where we saw our lives headed. Then she mentioned the ‘whore’ thing, and I told her I’d stop. I asked her if it was cool if I called her a bitch or slut, and although she wasn’t too cool with that, she said, ‘fine,’ and our marriage has never been better. I did slap her yesterday, though…right across her goddamned throat. She acted up at dinner and the kids were all screaming, but I didn’t say a word! I didn’t call her a whore or anything.”

Rhonda from New York had a weird resolution: “I pretty much grew up letting my dad and uncles take advantage of me. Now my brothers do, too. Every day I come home from school it’s the same thing: My dad holds me down and my little brother fucks the shit out of me, and then he holds me down and then my dad bangs me. I seriously NEVER get to finish my homework. And then at night my two older brothers come home from work, and then they and all their buddies get drunk and pull out their wieners and make me do that thing with my mouth. This New Year I’m making a resolution to learn the computer, so I can do my homework so much faster on that.”

Dale from Portland, OR, had a nice one too: “You know, I hate politics and I hate the president, so I vowed not to get so worked up over the state of America for my New Year’s resolution. Most every day of 2006 I would take a dump into a sandwich bag, like a Zip-loc bag, and I would seal it and put a bow on it and mail it to the White House, attention The Turd in Charge. And that’s not cool, you know. Once in a while is funny, but I did it almost every day. That’s like 350 turds in sandwich bags in some room at the White House. That’s not cool, and that’s not mature. So I stopped doing that.”

Teresa from Santa Monica, CA, had another good resolution: “I quit touching my little hair-pie at work. I shouldn’t be acting all high and mighty, though. I was blessed with both female and male organs, so although I don’t play with my ‘gina, I still rub one off on my pecker. Sure, it’s a little ill-formed and when I finish I usually have a puddle on my skirt, but it’s a whole lot better than flicking the bean and getting all sweaty on my lunch break.”

Well, Happy New Year to you all, and we hope you learned something from our story. It’s not what you resolve to do, it’s the thought that counts when you do it. So when we’re shoving that knobby Polish sausage up our poop-chute, pissing on the pots and pans in our kitchen sink, and yelling at any slick son of a bitch with strange eyes or curly hair, we’ll think of you and what you vow to change in 2007. Happy New Year!

-----

A native of Los Angeles, Brandon D. Christopher has survived 41 jobs, 7 cars, 4 days in jail, and completed a 3-hour Learning Annex seminar to become a private investigator. He is the author of several published essays and short stories, and is currently searching for a publisher for his latest novel Dirty Little Altar Boy. He can be reached at BrandonDChristopher@hotmail.com.