Eight Completely Rational Reasons To Murder Your Roommates

by Willy Nast

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Living with someone else sucks. Even if that someone else happens to own a particular genital arrangement you're fond of, their annoying little quirks usually aren't enough to make the co-habitation worthwhile. As such, we present to you a reprint from Issue Two, detailing eight reasons in which killing your roommates are acceptable. When the cops offer you that court-appointed lawyer, just turn his/her ass down, print up the following legally-binding document, and hand it over to the judge. This "Get Out Of Jail Free" card is on us.

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(from the archives)

If The Real World has taught us nothing else (and I don't think it has), it's that people who live together – even young, attractive, carefully-picked-for-just-the-rightmix- of -diversity-without-havingtoo- many-minorities-orhomosexuals kind of people – will inevitably have arguments.

But there are certain arguments that go beyond what we see on the unquestionable un-doctored reality of The Real World. There are arguments that go beyond one “slutty girl” calling another “slutty girl” a “slut”, or one borderline alcoholic confronting a full-blown alcoholic about his/her drinking problem. Some arguments, on the other hand, have merit.

Therefore, to help clear up any confusion, if your roommate is guilty of any of the following, you are fully within your rights to murder them:

1. Ate the last of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch, then put empty box back in pantry.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and there's no worse way to start your day off than with false hopes. When God created breakfast cereal – and he did, shortly after creating dairy cows and realizing he needed something that went well with milk – he had Cinnamon Toast Crunch in mind. By disrespecting your CTC, your roommate isn't just disrespecting you and your cereal, he's disrespecting God. Get Puritanical on his/her ass and punish this heresy.

(Note: Don't go easy on them here. Make it a slow, painful death if the same transgression occurs with an empty box of Cookie Crisp, the greatest cereal ever made.)

2. Found his/her pubes in your shower loofah.

What is it about our pubes that we can positively identify our own? If you think about it, pubic hair doesn't vary much from person to person. Yet, when you come across one that's not yours – on, say, a wad of soft plastic that you've been rubbing all over your naked body – you just know. And to you people who rub the bar of soap directly on your skin... you're dead to me.

3. He/She turns out to be Republican.

Sure, tolerance of different worldviews is important, but here's my advice: it's time to thin out the herd. Your grandchildren will thank you from their water-powered hover cars.

4. Watches anime. All. The. Time.

Enough said.

5. Accidentally plugged your iPod into their computer, replaced all your songs with theirs, then forgets to tell you.

Say you go to the library to study, or maybe you're commuting home from work on the train, and pop those white ear-buds into your ears, and what do you get? Fivehundred- thirty-seven shitty live recordings of Coldplay or Fallout Boy on repeat. What's more, is that you've had to sit and listen as this asshole tries to explain to you – undoubtedly while intoxicated – how these talent-less ass-clowns are “like, totally reforming the conceptions of rock music”. This cements your notion that these bands suck simply because all of their fans must insist they are the greatest thing since chocolate fucking pudding. I have news for these people. There is nothing better than chocolate pudding. NOTHING.

6. Buys a cat.

Let's get one thing straight: CATS DON'T LIKE PEOPLE. In addition, they make your living space smell like shit and they leave hair everywhere. Why anyone without their head jammed firmly up their ass would want one as a pet is beyond me. Cat-lovers deserve to die.

7. Refuses to hook you up with their hot sister/cousin/mother.

For guys: Murder is a great way for you to portray yourself as an alpha male to potential love interests. As a bonus, you can provide a shoulder to cry on at the funeral. They’ll see you as multidimensional. Chicks dig “nice guys with an edge.” The sex is yours. For girls: Guys will be flattered by your persistence. Plus, we'll fuck anything that moves. The sex is yours as well.

8. Tries to hook up with your sister/cousin/mother who happens to be good-looking.

Not that you've ever noticed that about your sister/cousin/mother. You've never thought of her like that. You've just, you know, heard other guys describe her that way; other guys that you also murdered, rightfully so.

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Disclaimer: I am not legally responsible for any murders that may occur as a result of this article. If you actually decide to kill your roommate over any of the preceding reasons, I will not support nor condone your actions. Except for the Cinnamon Toast Crunch thing. I've got your back on that shit.

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If you ever see Willy Nast at the Doctor’s office, assume he’s gotten those darn crabs again. That, or he’s finally ready to deal with the fact that he has manboobs that make his girlfriend jealous.