From The Province(s) Of The Empire: Que? - A Foreigner's Guide On How To Enjoy Your First Thanksgiving

by Miss Iside

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Are you new to this country and wondering what to expect during your first Thanksgiving holiday? Miss Iside, our foreign correspondent, will enlighten you on the meaning of Thanksgiving, if there is one. Don’t fret, dear foreigner, most Americans have no clue either.

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Being an alien, I still have no idea what the holiday of Thanksgiving symbolizes, for I have been told the story in so many different, contrasting and absurd ways that I lost interest from the very beginning. What I do know is that Americans are so beset about their seasonal social rituals that they genuinely enjoy their yearly submission to the higher entity that is the turkey.

The turkey is an enormous animal, a size never seen in the old country, and its shape and roasted-glazed color with meat, chestnuts and breadcrumbs stuffed up his ass is an image that on Thanksgiving day is repeated in most American houses like a symbolic assembly line in an avant-garde movie of the thirties - the German, not the French kind. The dead bird shape is so necessary that even the vegetarians work their tofu to obtain it, magically, and just on that day. In fact, a foreigner will most likely interpret Thanksgiving as the epitome of American standardization: the joy of eating, doing and thinking the same things all at the same time.

If you come from abroad and this is your first Thanksgiving, then, here are a few things that you might want to keep in mind:

--You’ll be invited. No matter what your race, ethnic and religious background, there will be at least one American family eager to share your diversity with their entourage. You may get only one invite if you’re really lame, or up to twelve, if you’re hip and good looking like my friend Katinka, who even after ten years in San Diego still pulls off the Greek charm so well she can gracefully pretend not to know what “cranberry” means.

--If you’re cool like her, then choose the richest family and go eat their food. Take home as much as you can. They normally have beautiful coasters, glasses and everything you need to embellish your own house. If you suck, and your only Thanksgiving invitation comes from the Office of International Services, then simply concentrate on the food.

--Be aware that turkey does not taste any good. In Europe, we tend to avoid it because it’s gross. But then again, Americans think eating horses and bunnies is gross, so whatever. At any rate, try to get to the legs: those are acceptably chewable while the rest is all dry and rubbery, and will inevitably lead you to abuse the cranberry sauce and gravy. Make sure those two life savers are always within reach. If you’re fat, just do the cranberry. Keep in mind that the most satisfactory food item on the Thanksgiving table is the stuffing. Unfortunately, everyone else in the room knows that, so you need to be quick, or you’ll be left alone with that shoe sole of a bird. For days.

--During the dinner, be polite, answer all questions, don’t ask too many, and, as a general rule, always over-exoticize. Emphasize your accent if you have one or make one up if you don’t. “Your country” and anything related to it will be the center of any conversation you will be engaged in. Do some research: if you’re French you need to be prepared to answer questions on cheese, rude people, rapists, streets of Paris, smoking in public places and nude beaches. If you’re Italian it’s food in general and nude beaches. If you come from Albania you’ll be busy all night explaining where the fuck Albania is. At a certain point in the evening, some drunk lamer will certainly ask you if you celebrate Thanksgiving “in your country”. “Are you stupid?” is not the right answer.

--Albeit an unlikely event, should someone asks you to say “grace” before eating, resist the Boratesque temptation to be absolutely outrageous, and stick to the basics. Clearly, if you can afford something like “I am thankful for the release of my little sister who was kidnapped by a blood-thirsty tribe weeks ago in Antananarivo,” by all means go for it.

--Don’t ask about the Thanksgiving tradition. As I said, I don’t know what it’s about, but I think it has something to do with Native Americans being killed, so it’s usually a source of embarrassment to the story teller. Plus why would you care? You have the day off, you’re eating other people’s food, drinking their wine and using their house.

As you can see, it is very easy to make your good-immigrant impression on Thanksgiving, and much is to be gained from it, on both sides. The host family will be eternally proud to have the opportunity to show off a weird exotic specimen like yourself, and you will gratifyingly stand out among the smiling, pale, bejeweled, overweight crowd. To add to your ego boost, many will try to hit on you regardless of your gender, or their own. Just remember to stay away from the hostess even if she has a great ass (which she won’t have) and you will be introduced to a brand new world of networking that will certainly be beneficial to your social status, your personal life and your coke dealership for years to come.

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Miss Iside, in addition to importing herself from Italy over 9 years ago because she wanted an education in bestiality, likes to use a pseudonym because of her fancy-pants job. This Thanksgiving she decided to put her knowledge to the test by engaging in such romantic activities with a turkey. She was extremely disappointed and has therefore declared war on our gluttonous holiday.