Homemade Cards: Baby Shower

by Tara Rubano

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My sister, Stefanie, is having a baby, according the the ultrasound pictures above. Who the hell can read those things anyway? For all I know she's pregnant with an alien baby, which if you knew my sister, is highly probable. This past weekend she had a baby shower, and since she lives in Connecticut and I live in LA, I couldn't be there. Instead of blessing them with my physical presense, I blessed them with my humor.

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Dearest Sweet Stefanie,

Look at how you’ve morphed from a crack-addicted stripper to a burgeoning mommy, complete with photo shoots at two of the top women’s magazines! Kudos to you!!

As you know, the world will be keeping a watchful eye on your every move come delivery, so try not to get tangled up with Paris Hilton like Britney did. No one wants to see your hoo-hoo, again.

I pray, like the world, that your son is born with ten fingers and ten toes. I know you quit your drugging days (a few months ago) but you never know what substance is still lingering around in your body ready to disfigure your baby!

I still can’t believe that after all these years you’re finally settling down. What’s his name again? Jim? Steve? Rick? Who knows, you change men like Tara Reid changes STDs, but nevertheless, I know you’ll be happy and that all will end well, pending a paternity test right! Some things never change!

Sorry I couldn’t be there for your shower but Rolf and I are on holiday in Saint-Tropez, we love it there! I hope you enjoy the goodies I’ve sent to take my place, but remember only do them AFTER you’ve given birth. Also please sign the enclosed contract absolving me of any responsibility should you not heed my warning.

Kisses!

Tara

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Tara Rubano is the co-editor of Duct Tape & Rouge, and no, she is not stuffing her bra with watermelons. She's stuffing them with mammaries.