Horror-Scopes: The Halloween Edition

by Mistress Coitus

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As a service to our readers, Mistress Coitus will be providing once-monthly excursions into the horrific world of horoscopic predictions, so you will better know which condoms to avoid and which sample size conditioner bottle to smuggle onto an airplance up your ass. This month she gives us her unique Halloween costume recommendations. Listen to her, or be damned!

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Aquarius
January 20th – February 18th

Just because your birthday might be around Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean that anyone loves you. You’re probably a big, fat, sweaty loser with no hope of ever getting laid, let alone having anyone glance twice in your direction, unless they can’t determine your sex. My advice for your Halloween costume would be anything that covers you up. Perhaps you can go as a ghost or an Afghan woman, maybe cake on green make-up and go as Frankenstein or The Incredible Hulk. Basically you want to hide your true hideousness and the best way to do that is to go as some sort of ugly troll monster. Then potential sexual partners, once charmed by your hopefully existent sense of humor, will figure you can’t be that ugly underneath, and will happily give you that much needed rim-job.

Pisces
February 19th – March 20th

My boyfriend is a Pisces. Pisces are moody, broody artists. “Oh look at me, I’m so tortured.” They are also known for being mellow, nice people. It’s a strange dichotomy that dictates a conflicted costume. Perhaps go as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, or The Phantom of the Opera, maybe even Jack the Ripper. The idea is to be mysterious. “Does he really enjoy raping dogs, or it is just because he didn’t have a father?” These are the questions you want people to ask. They don’t “get” you and it pains you to be so misunderstood, but yet you want to be a part of society so much that you’ll don that sweater vest once in a while and drink Merlot.

Aries
March 21st – April 19th

My friend Lauren’s birthday is on April 18th. It’s a shitty day to have a birthday because a lot of natural disasters and tragedies seem to occur around this date. The Trench-coat Mafia assassinated students on April 20th, which also happens to be the same date as the birth of the King of Extermination, Hitler. Oklahoma City lost any potential tourists on April 19th and Tom Cruise proved that he can pro-create, with or without the intervention of medical science on April 18th. To embrace the atrocities that like to take place around your birth, go balls out and be something that will award you with the much needed attention that stupid shit like the death of a few hundred Americans always seems to overshadow. Damn terrorists don’t even think about little ol’ Johnny’s feelings do they? Well fuck them, go as a terrorist, a gay one, and hump Muhammad in their name. Other equally offensive costumes to be that might get your laid, or at least beat up would be: Tom Cruise’s anus with a large penis inside it, Hitler with dead Jews scattered around him, or one of the kids that got blown up in the Oklahoma City bombing. That’ll go over real well, especially if you live in OC.

Taurus
April 20th – May 20th

Taurus = the bull, or a shitty Ford car. I knew a Taurus once, he had a lot of body hair on him, and by a lot I mean enough to put hair on all the Hair Club for Men guys. I also knew a Taurus that didn’t have much hair at all. What does this mean? Obviously you should go as a King Kong because hair or no hair, we’re all the same underneath: A wild animal that really just wants the love and affection of a hot slutty blonde, who will ultimately be the death of us.

Gemini
May 21st – June 21st

Conflict is at the root of all Geminis, much like Pisces, but in a more schizophrenic way: “Which personality should I be tonight, Martha or Kimber? Should go down on all the guys at the bar or sit idlely by and sip my Coke? I can’t decide!! Usually I just let the voices dictate who I’m going to be, but sometimes I don’t feel like anal. Sometimes I want to sit at home and crochet. Oh fuck it. Anal it is!” This is a typical conversation overheard in the heads of many a Gemini. They have very dual personalities and you’ll know it if you’ve ever met one. Usually it’s the girl that is eating out your ass one minute and crying the next, most likely about daddy issues. Or it’s the guy who bangs like a champ one second and then instantly goes limp because you remind him of his mother. It’s fucking annoying. So depending on what personality is out on Halloween, go as either Little Bo Peep or Starla: The Wonderfuck.

Cancer
June 22nd – July 22nd

Cancers are usually pretty cool; they like to sit in the sun, frolick in the ocean and party, especially with one-legged drunk Vets. But Cancers are also emotional wrecks and need a lot of fucking attention. If you neglect them, you’ll know because you’ll hear a symphony of wails following you wherever you go. If you are a Cancer, shut up already!! You are probably loved, but if you don’t stop asking, “Do you love me?” every five seconds and cry every time you have a heated discussion involving petty shit, you’ll end up masturbating to your now meaningless wedding pictures. In order to buck up and be a litter tougher, go as a Dominatrix or a Bounty Hunter. Nothing says “I’m in charge now mother fucker!!” more than a good ol’ fashion whipping and a boot up the ass.

Leo
July 23rd – August 22nd

Madonna has ruined many things in life. The British accent, the probability of Angelina Jolie adopting in Malawi, the ability for anyone to not feel like the fattest, most out-of-shape piece of shit whenever they’re around her, singing, definitely acting, and now the Leo sign. That’s right folks, Mrs. Ritchie was born on August 15th. And the most befitting costume for a narcissistic ego-maniac is the only thing in this world that commands full compliance: The Sun. It’s the only true superstar that forces all others to revolve around them, and if any of those fuckers fall out of line, there will be hell to pay, usually in the form of death. The Sun doesn’t fuck around and neither does The Leo. Kowtow if you must.

Virgo
August 23rd – September 22nd

Let’s get one thing straight, Virgos, you are by no means a virgin. Not by a long shot. Stop pretending to be all innocent and demure. We all know you’re a fucking whore, so out with the candy!! The only acceptable costumes for you are: Stripper, Crackwhore, Paris Hilton, The Herpes Virus, Anna Nicole Smith and Scott Baio.

Libra
September 23rd – October 22nd

Our ladies bathroom at work always smells like a posse of cats took out their dipsticks and pissed unholy hell all over the place. I’d expect it from people with penises but not those with vaginas. Therefore the only reasonable explanation is that there are no females in my office, only men. Which means this Friday’s gang-bang in the conference room is going to be incredibly awkward. So in order to disguise the fact that you are not the gender we all thought you were, go androgynous. The more mystery the better, especially if you want viable options when it comes time to penetrate, or be penetrated. It’s really anybody’s game.

Scorpio
October 23rd – November 21st

Scorpios give people the most STDs than any other sign. It’s true, at least in my case. Fuck you Jennifer Swalzbach!! So in order to come clean with what you have growing in, on, or around your genitals, proudly display it for all to see. Acceptable diseases are: herpes (everyone’s fav), gonorrhea, chlamydia, gential warts and crabs.

Sagittarius
November 22nd – December 21st

Ah, the beginning of the holidays, also known as the How-Much-Fatter-Can-I-Get-This-Year contest. It’s truly inspiring to stuff our faces with turkey in remembrance of raping and pillaging. It makes me feel warm inside, though that could also be the rectal bleeding. In honor of those with feathers on their heads losing their land and the rise of White Power, go as a Turkey, a Drunk Indian, any White Aristocrat or a Squash.

Capicorn
December 22nd – January 19th

Being Santa for Halloween, I don’t think, has ever been done. Since your fat ass was born around the same day as Jesus Christ and being that Santa has absolutely nothing to do with the birth of our Lord, it makes perfect sense. Go forth and ho-ho-ho all around town this year. It’s what Jesus would have done, if he didn’t have those fucking cock-blocking apostles following him around.

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Mistress Coitus lives on a hilltop, somewhere between this dimension and the next, with her dog Fluffy Scruffinton III and her vibrator The CuntBlaster 3400TM. She provides horoscopes the day after her monthly vaginal bleeding.