Horror-Scopes: The Thanksgiving Edition

by Mistress Coitus

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As a service to our readers, Mistress Coitus will be providing once-monthly excursions into the horrific world of horoscopic predictions, so you will better know which condoms to avoid and which sample size conditioner bottle to smuggle onto an airplane up your ass. This month she gives us her tips on dealing with the holiday season that is rapidly approaching us, much like The Blob, but instead of mushy goo, it's a giant Turkey or Santa's fat ass. Menorahs don't count since we don't like Jews. Listen to her, or be damned!

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Aquarius
January 20th – February 18th

One year I went to my cousin’s house for Thanksgiving. I was in high school and having always been the fatter of my cousins, I wanted to show up looking quite spiffy. I had lost some weight and no longer looked like a dough ball and wanted them to be green with envy over how awesome I looked. For the occasion I pulled out my best duds, a thick New England sweater fit for surviving an avalanche of epic proportions that had a big fuzzy duck on it. The bitch who wrote Bridget Jones’ Diary owes me some fucking money, though my mother didn’t make me wear that sweater, I elected to on my own accord. Maybe I shouldn’t have disclosed this. Fuck the holidays.

Tip: Don’t dress like a douchebag if you want your cousins to fuck you after the tryptophan has worn off.

Pisces
February 19th – March 20th

I no longer eat turkey. It’s been over 6 years since I’ve napped with my hands down my pants after dinner. (Actually it’s only been about 6 minutes, but it HAS been six years since I’ve done that after eating turkey) I don’t really miss it much but my family never misses an opportunity to make fun of me for being a hippy. “What are you gonna eat, berries and twigs?” This is usually followed by jubilant laughter by fat Italians who look like they have an entire family of turkeys nesting in their guts. I laugh along with them, not wasting any time trying to retort because they can’t comprehend a world without meat, and that’s fine. But it gets really fucking annoying after a while so when I get to the point where I’m gonna start scalping heads, I usually reply to the rhetorical question stated above with answers such as, “Your mother’s pussy,“ (I still eat fish) “That fetus you miscarried, “ or “My boyfriend’s cock”. That usually shuts them up right quick.

Tip: Kick a few asses to maintain your manliness while consuming only lettuce cups this Thanksgiving.

Aries
March 21st – April 19th

Turkey day is usually synonymous with lard. In remembrance of the true Native Americans turning into drunken sloths on designated pieces of land that nobody wants, we overindulge and imbibe ourselves to the point of passing as floats in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In addition to resembling Sally Struthers, we also get a lot of gas due to the wolfing of our food and the gasps of oxygen we take in when shoveling in the next load. Passing foul fecal odor at the dinner table, while considered a compliment in Asian countries, doesn’t sit so well in the U.S. unless you’re from the Midwest or Kazakhstan.

Tip: To cover up the noxious fumes escaping your bum do what I do: travel with a small bottle of scented body splash or body perfume and whenever you feel an anal contraction, spritz.

Taurus
April 20th – May 20th

If there’s one thing that says Thanksgiving more than Cowboys and Indians, it’s football. While the women are cleaning up in the kitchen talking about what fat, lazy slobs their husbands are, their husbands will be in the living room being fat, lazy slobs, watching football. It’s an American past-time handed down by generations, much like racism. Gorge out like a famine is imminent, ignore your families and plop your tons o' fun ass on the couch or floor, unbutton your pants and watch the Cowboys get their asses kicked. It’s like sex, but better cause no one cares if you sleep through it.

Tip: If you’re a dyke who’s not ready to come out, but enjoys watching the game, thwart the questioning of your sudden interest in football with such inquiries as, “What inning is this?” and “Why aren’t they allowed to dribble?”

Gemini
May 21st – June 21st

There’s this line in a Beasties Boys song that goes like this: “If this is gonna be that kinda party I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!!” I’m sure it was sampled or taken from somewhere else, but no one cares and we all associated it with the BB anyway, so there. The point is you don’t want a boring listless Thanksgiving if you’re the host. You want your guests swinging glasses reminiscing about that time that Bill Brasky raped your mother and alternately peeing in the gravy.

Tip: If the party is going downhill fast, serve your guests your special punch laden with ecstasy.

Cancer
June 22nd – July 22nd

Home For The Holidays. If anyone has seen this Jodie Foster directed movie, you know what I’m talking about. Nothing means quality time with those you love more than traipsing across the country only to listen to your grandmother fart at the dinner table. I know we’re supposed to give thanks for many things, our families being one of them, but let’s face it, most of us hate our families and would rather spend the holidays with Crackhead Bob. Yes, yes, I know, our families aren't that bad, but whatever, I’d still rather do crack.

Tip: If you can’t handle 24 hours of being around kin, self medicate by any means necessary.

Leo
July 23rd – August 22nd

Ignoring the above entry, it’s terribly hard and depressing being apart from your family and friends during the holidays, especially if you’re a poor loser who can’t afford a plane ticket home. In these times, I like to gather up the rest of the misfit toys and host a holiday dinner where, even though we can’t be with the ones we love, we can at least not spend another holiday alone in the dark with our genitals in a bowl of Jell-O.

Tip: If you can’t make the trip home, surround yourself with other broke fucks. Commiserating with other humans is better than doing it with inanimate objects. You’ll have better anal sex probability too.

Virgo
August 23rd – September 22nd

One thing I’m sure that 98% of Americans are thankful for, is the mini-vacation. Finally we have that four day weekend to really spend our time wisely. We can clean our homes, run our errands, trim the hedges, loaf around the house eating and sleeping, and for the love of Christ, finally get our anus’ waxed and bleached. It’s really hard to get all that done and have time for family night, involving you, the wife, your dog Chet and a Costco size jar of peanut butter.

Tip: If you work for a cheap-ass company that doesn’t give you the Friday after Thanksgiving off, you, your job and your whole existence SUCKS. No tip for you.

Libra
September 23rd – October 22nd

If you’re like me, you have annoying neighbors. Ones you’d like to see get run over by a car or perhaps maimed by a chainsaw accident. It’s normal to feel that way, it’s even normal to leave them threatening anonymous letters in their mailboxes telling them to expect their mother’s toe soon, regardless of the fact that she’s been dead for 10 years. But what’s not normal is to sneak into their house late at night, and leave them an “upper-decker”. If you don’t know what this means, congratulate yourself for being normal. Fuckface.

Tip: One sure-fire way to let your neighbor know you mean business is to show up on their doorstep with a leftover turkey leg from your Thanksgiving dinner. Stare at them menacingly while pounding the drumstick in your hand and tell them that if they don’t start mutha’ fuckin’ behaving this stick is going straight up their ass. This is how I met my husband Ted.

Scorpio
October 23rd – November 21st

In following with the annoying neighbor bit, if your neighbor is annoying because he/she has three rodents that pass as dogs yip-yapping all the live long day, save yourself a few bucks and do something about the noise pollution by going a little Asian. Speaking from experience, have sex with them before you kill them not after. It’s really boring when they just lay there.

Tip: Dogs taste much better with juniper berry sauce rather than cranberry.

Sagittarius
November 22nd – December 21st

I don’t know about you, but there’s nothing I enjoy more than watching the onslaught of shitty made-for-TV holiday movies. Who can forget the jewel that was National Lampoon's Thanksgiving Family Reunion staring Judge Reinhold, or the earth shattering Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Who I ask? That’s right, everybody. No one cares enough about Thanksgiving to make a damn funny shitty TV movie about it so why should I? This year I’ll be watching my usual after dinner flick: Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a Lot. And for those of you who mock, Funshine Bear has one hell of a rack.

Tip: Make sure your little cousins aren’t around when you pop in your Care Bear movie, otherwise masturbating to Funshine’s tits, with leftover mashed potatoes, is gonna be mighty awkward.

Capicorn
December 22nd – January 19th

And finally, the absolute BEST part of Thanksgiving? The leftovers. To paraphrase slightly from the much beloved A Christmas Story, “Turkey sandwiches! Turkey salad! Turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey A La King! Gallons of turkey soup!” What’s better than the first round of feeding is the second, usually about five hours after the original meal where everyone is still full but has the munchies. You might be drunk at this point after having called your 250 pound uncle a lightweight. Or maybe you had rigorous sex with your neighbor’s dog and the initial meal wasn’t satisfying enough. Either way, you’ll be a stuffed little pig for days afterwards. Relish in the gluttony.

Tip: If your “turkey” is in fact dog, you might want to pass on the second round. Dog gives you WICKED diarrhea.

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Mistress Coitus lives on a hilltop, somewhere between this dimension and the next, with her dog Fluffy Scruffinton III and her vibrator The CuntBlaster 3400TM. She provides horoscopes the day after her monthly vaginal bleeding.