Horror-scopes: The Holiday Edition

by Mistress Coitess

-----

As a service to our readers, Mistress Coitus will be providing once-monthly excursions into the horrific world of horoscopic predictions, so you will better know which condoms to avoid and which sample size conditioner bottle to smuggle onto an airplance up your ass. This month she gives us her tips on dealing with the holiday season that is rapidly approaching us, much like The Blob, but instead of mushy goo, it's a giant Turkey or Santa's fat ass. Menorahs don't count since we don't like Jews. Listen to her, or be damned!

-----

Aquarius
January 20th – February 18th

“Deck the halls with boughs of holly, Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra. Tis the season to be jolly, Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.” Yeah, I know that’s not exactly how the song goes but it is how it went in the much beloved Christmas classic, A Christmas Story. Nowadays it isn’t too politically correct to make fun of other ethnicities, especially when it’s stereotypical, which is why I vicariously live through my grandmother. Having lived through World War II in Italy, and having spit on Mussolini’s dead body, she’s earned the right to make a racist remark against the Germans here and there, and though we tell her it’s wrong to say such horrible things, inside we all laugh with pride.

Tip: Unless you’re from another country where racism isn’t offensive, try to keep it to yourself.

Pisces
February 19th – March 20th

For as long as I can remember we had a real Christmas tree. We’d gather as a family, go to the local Christmas tree farm, find “our” tree, cut it down, drag it through the snow back to our car and take it home. I have fond memories of doing that with my family and I never really realized what it meant to have a tree until I didn’t. Since I’ve moved out of my parent’s house, I think I bought a tree for myself twice. Mostly I don’t bother because I travel back to my parent’s house for the holidays and don’t feel the need to set fire to my apartment. So when I do go home I expect a real tree. Well now that my parents live alone, with my dad getting old, he doesn’t feel like finding a tree and chopping it down all by himself. So to make things easier, he bought a fake one. I was so annoyed I peed in his eggnog. Ho ho ho.

Tip: If your parents are too lazy to get a real tree to keep Christmas alive the one time of year you cough up $300 to see them, find a new family.

Aries
March 21st – April 19th

In keeping with the Christmas tree theme, if you grew up in Connecticut like I did, or any other area that has nature, you know how awesome it is to chop down your own tree. The smell of pine, the stickiness of sap, the needles that get every-freakin’-where, it’s great. But if you moved to Los Angeles proper, the closest you’re getting to chopping down your own tree is in your mind. It sucks. So this year I decided to convert to Judaism. Screw you Home Depot!!

Tip: Though a Menorah isn’t quite as dazzling, sprinkle a little garland on it. Or maybe a dead squirrel.

Taurus
April 20th – May 20th

Christmas is the birth of Christ, which is what we’re supposed to be celebrating, but somewhere along the way St. Nick came along, sabotaged it and made it all about him. He created a way to bring consumerism to an all time high while simultaneously feeding his belly. So now, instead of “Praise Jesus!” we hear nothing but “I want a new PlayStation 3, wah!!!” It’s pretty repulsive to see people beating each other up when we should be high-fiving over the birth of our Lord, but if you don’t believe in Jesus Christ then I guess Santa is as good a deity as any, considering that he doesn’t even exist. That’s right kids, I totally ruined it for you, deal with it.

Tip: Most deities don’t exist but people need to believe in something, so in an effort to waste more time on make-believe and less time on learning, take a tip from L. Ron and create your own.

Gemini
May 21st – June 21st

Speaking of Santa, if you have bratty kids, chances are they’re going to want to visit him. Since Santa is not real, a lonely, sweaty fat man will be donning a suit and playing him. Most of the time they’re harmless, but sometimes they’re drunk, vulgar, bitter men who’d rather be undressing your kids than listening to them whine about toys. If you happen to get one of these perverts, make sure you give your kids extra juice boxes and remove their diapers just before sitting on Santa’s lap.

Tip: Sometimes Santa’s little helpers, the elves, are equally disgruntled. To teach them a lesson as well, toss the previously removed diaper on the ground. Hopefully your kid made a doody making it an extra special find.

Cancer
June 22nd – July 22nd

Home For The Holidays. If anyone has seen this Jodie Foster directed movie, you know what I’m talking about. Nothing means quality time with those you love more than traipsing across the country only to listen to your grandmother fart at the dinner table. I know we’re supposed to give thanks for many things, our families being one of them, but let’s face it, most of us hate our families and would rather spend the holidays with Crackhead Bob. Yes, yes, I know, our families aren't that bad, but whatever, I’d still rather do crack.

Tip: If you can’t handle 24 hours of being around kin, self medicate by any means necessary.

Leo
July 23rd – August 22nd

If you actually like your family, it’s terribly hard and depressing being apart from them during the holidays, especially if you’re poor and can’t afford a plane ticket home. In these times, I like to gather up the rest of the misfit toys and host a holiday dinner where, even though we can’t be with those we’d rather be with, we can at least not spend another holiday alone in the dark talking to the Care Bears.

Tip: If you don’t have any friends to spend the holidays with and not even your stuffed animals want you around, volunteer. At least you’ll get to eat a decent meal while you point and laugh at the homeless.

Virgo
August 23rd – September 22nd

God’s chosen people: the Jews. They’ve gotten the short end of the stick since their creation. It makes me wonder why, if their God’s chosen, he consistently blows them off. Not even during the holidays do people care. Actually that’s not true. I used to work at a literary agency and all the partners and agents were Jewish so we’d get off almost every single Jewish holiday, I felt like I was back in school. Go Jews!! So this year, spread a little tolerance around and hug a Jew. They don’t always feel special because most of the world hates them.

Tip: If you don’t know any Jewish people to hug, find an Arab or other ethnicity that we’ve gone to war against.

Libra
September 23rd – October 22nd

Whenever my mom asks me what I want for Christmas, I tell her nothing. I just want to be home with my family and enjoy the little time I have with them each year. Secretly I hope she sees through me, because I’m completely lying, and through osmosis, assumes that what I really meant was that I want a new iPod or digital camera. I swear, if she doesn’t it get it for me this year, I’m going to SCREAM!!!

Tip: You are never too old for temper tantrums.

Scorpio
October 23rd – November 21st

Much like Thanksgiving, the remaining December holidays are usually accompanied by mass amounts of food and weight gain. If you haven’t had gastric bypass surgery like most lazy overweight Americans, chances are you’re going to put a few on this holiday season. To avoid that, eat your holiday meal at someone’s house who’s an incredibly bad cook. It’s an extra bonus if they have a dirty house or ugly kids.

Tip: If you can’t find anyone who’s a bad cook who’s willing to invite you over, visit a homeless shelter. Usually the E. coli will kill any appetite you’ve had and you might even lose weight, if you don’t die.

Sagittarius
November 22nd – December 21st

One thing you can always count on during the holidays is the movies. Of course there’s the untouchably perfectly poignant prize A Christmas Story, or the misty-eyed “Every time a bell rings and angel gets its wings” It’s A Wonderful Life, but what doesn’t get the accolades that it deserves is Silent Night, Deadly Night. A disturbed teenager, whose parents were murdered and thus had to live at an orphanage only to be abused by Mother Superior, goes on a murderous rampage dressed as Santa. If that doesn’t scream “family fun” then I don’t know what does.

Tip: If you can’t find this gem at the local video stores, use the default Black Christmas instead. It involves sorority girls, need I say more?

Capicorn
December 22nd – January 19th

Well another year has come and gone, and like many of us in an effort to purge ourselves of bad habits, we’ll set ourselves up for failure by making New Year’s resolutions that we’ll never keep. So instead of falling victim to another year of hating myself, I decided to boycott this whole resolution business. Go forth and lie about how you’ll lose weight or stop cheating on your spouse, I’m not deluding myself anymore, I’m bad and I love it.

Tip: If there’s nothing about yourself to love enough to carry you through another year, just make it up. “I’m a wizard, wee!!” See how easy it is?

-----

Mistress Coitus lives on a hilltop, somewhere between this dimension and the next, with her dog Fluffy Scruffinton III and her vibrator The CuntBlaster 3400TM. She provides horoscopes the day after her monthly vaginal bleeding for DT&R as well as The Highland Park & Eagle Rock Post, which can currently be found for free anywhere around a crackhead or by visiting their rarely updated website.