January Horror-scopes

by Mistress Coitess

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As a service to our readers, Mistress Coitus will be providing once-monthly excursions into the horrific world of horoscopic predictions. If you need to find out whether or not you DID contract herpes from that office gang bang last Saturday night, you might want to schedule a private consultation. Her rates vary depending on the weather forcast, how much she lactates or if she is in need of new balls, crystal that is.

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Aquarius
January 20th – February 18th

If you’re like me, you have a hangover. The holidays bring forth many joys in our humdrum lives - eating, spending time with loved ones and getting gifts - but the most detrimental is the consumption or over-consumption of booze. In January I like to take some time off from over-imbibing and detox. I’ll eat fresh vegetables and salads, make homemade soups and avoid sugar and dairy for as long as I can to rid my body of the poisons I’ve filled it with from Thanksgiving to “The Holidays”. This resolution usually lasts about 24 hours, which is all you really need to pass a drug test so why waste anymore precious time acting like a hippy?

Tip: If you are under the legal drinking age (21, lame!!) please do not indulge in under-aged drinking, no one wants to deal with your inability to hold your liquor.

Pisces
February 19th – March 20th

I am in love with YouTube. You can find anything on there, and I mean anything. Looking for an episode of your favorite TV show? They got it. Looking for a video of an overweight loser crying as he tells professional wrestlers how awesome they are? Got it. Looking for a video of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid or Britney Spears falling down drunk, flipping off the paparazzi or calling each other synonyms for the female genitalia? Again, they got it. But my absolute favorite thing to do is search for lost videos from the 80s. My latest inquiry has been for Debbie Gibson. I dare you to come up with a catchier song than “Electric Youth”, seriously. I watched five videos the other day and I was instantly transported back to my 13-year-old days; which might be the reason why my face broke out and I started wearing scrunchies again.

Tip: Although Debbie Gibson brings back fond memories of our youth and most people won’t deny that they liked her, they will deny that they lost their anal virginity while listening to her.

Aries
March 21st – April 19th

I hate flying. Hate, hate, hate it. I hate the preparation that’s involved; the packing, the organizing, the cleaning, and the dumping off of your cat to your friend’s house where they will most likely terrorize their other cat. I hate the planning ahead of what time you should arrive at the airport; the long security lines thanks to jerk-offs, the screaming kids, the people traveling with 80 bags filled with presents that hit you in the head as they attempt to shove it in the overhead compartment. I hate the take-off, the long flight, the turbulence and the constant fear of whether or not my flight will be the one in a million that’s flying that day that will go down. But what I hate the most is breathing other people’s farts. Since the air is recycled on planes, with each inhale you receive air that has escaped a person’s colon or mouth. As you look around your plane and see all the fat sweaty guys coughing or shifting their butts in their seats, or the kids picking their boogers and eating them, think about how everything that they’ve just touched or let emit out of their bodies is now circling around in yours. Awesome.

Tip: If you’re rich sit in first class. At least the air up there smells like expensive drugs or scotch. Maybe you’ll catch a buzz and pass out.

Taurus
April 20th – May 20th

Last night my boyfriend and I left our house to walk down the street for cocktails. After a few minutes, I noticed that a helicopter was hovering over the area that looked like our street. “I’m glad we’re not home, those copters are annoying,” I commented. Later that night, while stumbling home, we discovered that our street was closed off and there were a few cops. No worries, they usually film on our street, it’s probably that. Then this morning, the street was still closed off and cops were everywhere. I began to wonder if this wasn’t a film set but rather a crime scene. A call to the cops ended my speculation. It was a shooting. No more details than that. All I could do was pray that someone finally shot my neighbors yip-yapping dogs.

Tip: Generally shootings are regarded as negative events, but sometimes, just sometimes, something positive can come out of violence.

Gemini
May 21st – June 21st

My sister’s pregnant. I can’t even begin to express how scary that is. From watching my little sis get fat, to knowing that her and her husband will now parent a life into this world passing on all their racism. I’m the older one but she was the first to find a career, get married, buy a house and now, be a mommy. I can’t thank her enough for relieving me of these grown-up duties. Finally I will never have to answer the annoying questions by elders as to when I will get married, get a real job or “settle down”. Now they just ask me to help change my grandmother’s diaper.

Tip: If you have siblings who got it together before you, or fit the mold your parents ideally expect of their offspring, pass the buck of responsibility onto them. Parents need to feel as if they’ve succeeded at least once.

Cancer
June 22nd – July 22nd

Whenever I get nervous my body kicks into fight-or-flight mode. One function that your body needs to do to prepare for this is to evacuate all waste products in the form of bodily fluids. This is good and bad for me. It’s good because it is instant weight loss and a flatter stomach, but it’s bad because I’m on the toilet the whole darn time so I can’t really enjoy it.

Tip: To get that skinny feeling try dieting and working out.

Leo
July 23rd – August 22nd

I’m obsessed with celebrity gossip. I spend and inordinate amount of time reading gossip sites and magazines each day. I probably know more about Nicole Ritchie’s life than I do about the war in Iraq or any foreign matter, heck even domestic. Who’s a senator from California? Beats me but I do know that Juliette Lewis bought a vintage dress on Melrose last week and that Paris Hilton writes really cheesy love letters.

Tip: While others might think you aren’t worldly enough, or perhaps superficial, just tell them that you’re American, they might roll their eyes but they’ll understand.

Virgo
August 23rd – September 22nd

There’s a girl in my office who doesn’t know how to wash her privates. For a while I didn’t know who it was, I could just tell when they recently left the bathroom by the stench they left behind. I had my suspicions but they weren’t confirmed until I entered the bathroom while stinky-pus was still there. I ran into a stall and waited for her to wash her hands so I could get a confirmation. Now whenever I see this lady all I think about is how her hoo-hoo smells like moldy cheese.

Tip: Sometimes knowledge isn’t power and ignorance is bliss.

Libra
September 23rd – October 22nd

Doing laundry is nuisance. I take that back, schlepping your laundry to a Laundromat, paying at least $10 for damp clothes, while listening to screaming kids, loud music and blaring TV - all in Spanish – is a nuisance. I never realized what a privilege it is to have your own washer and dryer. A few times while doing laundry near my house my clothes came out dirtier than when they went in. Another time I got cornered by a shoeless homeless guy who wanted to tell me his sob story while drying his sneakers in whatever dryer still had time left on it. What I like to do now is do my laundry at friend’s house, or make my boyfriend go while I sit in my office surfing the net. It may be a nuisance still to him but for me it’s bliss.

Tip: Although mingling with the kind of public who can’t afford their own laundry machines can be entertaining, mostly it stinks. Find a slave or just get into a relationship.

Scorpio
October 23rd – November 21st

We have our own parking spot behind our house for each of the tenants. Our house is broken up into four apartments and each apartment gets 1 or 2 parking spots depending on how many bedrooms they have. We have two, so we get two spots. One of our neighbors who has only one bedroom, hence one spot, decided that they didn’t want to leave their other car on the street while they were on vacation for the holidays, so they took someone else’s. Great for them, but bad for us since the person’s whose spot was stolen now likes to steal ours. Since she just moved in, she didn’t know the etiquette or how to get in touch with the spot hogger, so I duly informed her who they were and that she could park on the street for the time being. She didn’t seem too happy about it but that’s not my problem. Afterwards I learned that she ignored my boyfriend’s “Good morning, how are you?” salutation so I had her car towed.

Tip: Never piss off your new neighbors.

Sagittarius
November 22nd – December 21st

The Myspace phenomenon, it’s addicting. It kills time at work, it provides the whereabouts and pictorial evidence of how fat or ugly your ex has gotten, it satisfies stalkers worldwide and gives bands a chance at being the #1 most added band without an audience or record deal. Sometimes I feel too old to be on it but then I look at profiles for 45-year-old divorcées dressed in their underwear trying to score dates and somehow don’t feel quiet so pathetic.

Tip: If you have kids with their own Myspace profiles, or are an old miserable single person, consider the personals. They’re a lot more anonymous and you don’t have to wear a thong to get a date.

Capicorn
December 22nd – January 19th

I love organic food. I love the vibrant colors, the absence of wax, pesticides, harsh chemicals and hormones, the taste and the thought that not only am I eating real food but I’m supporting an industry that is dedicated to wholesomeness. But what I don’t like is how expensive it is. We’re talking about food, REAL food. Not the genetically-modified-created-in-a-lab kind, but the kind that comes from the earth, the kind that doesn’t give you cancer, so why is it so pricey? Probably because you can’t really mass produced excellence and it’s not filled with preservatives or chemicals so it doesn’t have an extended shelf-life, but if they don’t start lowering the prices I swear I’m just gonna start eating vegans.

Tip: Though cannibalism is generally frowned upon, the world won’t miss a few hippies.

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Mistress Coitus lives on a hilltop, somewhere between this dimension and the next, with her dog Fluffy Scruffinton III and her vibrator The CuntBlaster 3400TM. She provides horoscopes the day after her monthly vaginal bleeding for DT&R as well as The Highland Park & Eagle Rock Post, which can currently be found for free anywhere around a crackhead or by visiting their rarely updated website.