A Loving Message Of Seasonal Holiday Tolerance
by Linx McGillicuddy
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As another Halloween, that most special of religious holidays, has come and gone, it’s important to reflect on a message of tolerance, love and respect for all spiritual beliefs and traditions. Mr. McGillicuddy, last heard from reviewing albums by dead guys, puts us all in our bitch-ass places.
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So much of the war, strife and division among humans these days is caused by religious bigotry and violence fueled by institutional dogma. Just look at some of the major problems across the globe: war in the Middle East spurred on by suicide-bombing; Muhammad-quoting Islamic terrorists; neo-fascist policies enacted in the American government by ultra-conservative Christian fundamentalists; and let’s not forget Mel Gibson’s anti-Semitic, Jew-bashing tirade that’s given such a bad reputation to other drunk, tequila-loving actors driving all over Malibu.
But that’s neither here nor there. With these “Big 3” cults getting all the press of late, I’d like to speak for a lesser-known but equally maligned sect of us religious devotees whose message of spiritual happiness is often misinterpreted, misunderstood and oftentimes completely disparaged.
If you’re a true freedom-loving American who believes that our great country has made a place for all religious pursuits, then you need to consider what may be the true path to eternal, immortal power: worshipping the all-powerful Bastard God, Our Lord Satan.
At first, many of you raised with what are considered “traditional” American values may be wary, or even offended, by the thought of Satan worship. But consider the connection: Lucifer, the fallen angel, revolted against God’s rule. Americans meanwhile, revolted against Britain’s rule. Now where in hell do you think George Washington got the idea? In fact, it was the ninth circle of hell to be exact. Third door on the left past the men’s room, behind the receptionist’s desk: Satan’s throne, before which our First President knelt and signed the contract that would win America the Revolutionary War.
Now that you agree that it is patriotic to be a Devil worshipper, you may still be confused as to what actually constitutes a real Satanist, mostly because people like Anton LeVey have historically confused the issue. LeVey authored The Satanic Bible and proclaimed himself the High Priest of the Church of Satan, which he founded in the 1960s. He claimed there was no real supernatural being called Satan, but rather that the Devil was a symbol for materialism and human individualism based on a literary figure.
This is all drivel, and Anton LeVey was a hack. You’re going to tell me that Satan’s not a real, supernatural being? Imagine telling a Christian that Jesus wasn’t a real person who hung out with whores and lepers. Or telling a Hindu that Shiva doesn’t have eight arms, blue skin and a propensity for destroying the world over and over. I mean, am I then supposed to believe that my own amazing good looks came naturally, and not because I sacrificed three goats, ate an aborted fetus, and drank the blood of an unbaptized virgin? Or to offer a more familiar example, shall we accept that the heralded American musical combo Slayer has such “wicked” chops because they practiced their instruments and worked really, really hard? Lies! We must all band together to put an end to such hurtful blasphemy.
Let me definitively tell all you nonbelievers: Satan is real. In fact, I just spoke with him the other night. It was in the forest during a full moon while I was painted in bull semen and having an orgy in the middle of a giant pentagram with hookers dressed as nuns. Mephistopheles has feelings and emotions, hopes and fears just like the rest of us. It’s just that he needs blood – specially prepared human and animal blood drunk from skulls – to make him happy. And then he will grant us enormous powers beyond our wildest dreams! Ha Ha Ha!!!
Sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh so maniacally there. We’re talking about religious intolerance, and this is serious stuff. As the great Buddhist philosophers Hans and Frans once declared, “Hear me now, or believe me later.” I’m not trying to force my religion on anyone. I just know that I’ve had a much more spiritually fulfilling life ever since I wrote out the Bible backwards in my own blood, set it on fire, ejaculated on the flames, dug up the corpse of an excommunicated priest, had relations with it, and then hung myself upside-down on a crucifix at midnight on Easter Sunday. When I woke up the next day and put on the first five Cannibal Corpse records in a row, I felt so free and light-headed that I carved “666” into my forehead with the sharpened femur bone of a bat and sung “The Star-Spangled Banner” for 9-and-a-half hours straight.
So please, show your fellow Americans how much you love this great country of ours during this upcoming holiday season. Every year we Devil worshippers kindly indulge the strange Thanksgiving and Christmas rituals of our kooky Christian neighbors. We Satanists smile and keep our laughter to ourselves during that whole Jewish thing with the candles. We even tolerate the Kwanzaa craze, even though it was invented by dangerous “hip-hopper” occultists in the ‘80s.
Most importantly, we set an example and show the non-Satanists how blessed they are to freely pursue their beliefs. This upcoming Winter Solstice I’ll pursue my belief by embodying the Spirit of Liberty wearing nothing but a cape made of a freshly skinned, horned-goat hide with a large phallus attached to my forehead. I’ll crawl down a busy intersection on all fours, reading aloud the First Amendment of the Constitution, as I invoke the Big Guy Downstairs, a True American, your friend and mine: Beelzebub the Almighty.
Satan Bless America!
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Linx McGillicuddy is afraid to associate with us, so he has created an alias. But because we hate him and wish him ill-will, his real name is John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt, and goddamnit, his name is not our name too.
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