Michael Savage Love

by Brian Beatty

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Intolerant right-wing pundit Michael Savage has taken over the syndicated advice column Savage Love. Is it a GOP effort to sway the upcoming elections? Is it yet another example of the Republican mastery of dirty sexual politics? Or is it just a lame excuse to bring up Mexicans? We reprint. You decide.

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Dear Michael,

Love your radio show, your books, your intolerance and your new syndicated advice column on all matters homoerotic. When I'm not donating my company's untaxed millions to Republican election coffers or belittling people less fortunate than myself, including minorities and retards, I enjoy nothing more than having the missus ram enormous dildos up my ass.

I'd like to try a real cock, preferably black, in a seedy public park or downtown alleyway, but you always say the gays can't be trusted -- and why would you lie to your devoted fans? It's not like you have an incredibly naughty personal history that can be read about all over the Internet.

Right?

Anyway, that's not my question. What I'm wondering is how the wife and I should explain my proclivities to our kids. More than once they've walked in on us in the midst of "romance," if you know what I mean. That bathroom door should probably have a lock on it, but then it would be impossible for me to check in on Annie, Lorie and Gracie, to make sure they're not taking drugs with the shower running, as teenage girls so often do.

With their mother crying all the time, the explaining is left to me, as usual. What should I tell them, Michael?

Hoosier Daddy

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HD,

If I've said it once, I've said it every time I've been in your sweet, kinky position. I was once a child. I am now a man. As that man, I'm guessing your daughters are communists. Or, at the very least, feminists. That those girls aren't growing up to be self-reliant, responsible men like you and yours truly is your family's true shame. No wonder your wife can do nothing but cry. (Living in Indiana might also have something to do with that.)

According to the liberal media, a man enjoying anal penetration is a sign of homosexuality. So is gobbling a tasty man sausage, if you believe everything you read. That's how the libs recruit foot soldiers into their faggot ranks. Back in the late 60's, I experimented with some incredibly endowed Black Panthers, sure. But if that makes me a closet liberal or queer, it also makes me a Nazi-loving Jew. I'm not even sure what that last sentence means, but typing it made me mad enough to beat a PETA member to death using a baby seal carcass, then cook and eat that activist meat with my good friend Ted Nugent.

Tell those daughters of yours what I'm telling you. Your anal adventures in no way make you a homo. Or a bi guy. Or a terrorist mollycoddler. Savage said so. If that simple explanation doesn't help your kids understand your desires, buy them three one-way plane tickets to Mexico and let them sneak their way back into America with the illegals. A little struggle will shut them up quick.

Of course, if they're the druggies you suspect they might be, you'll probably never see your children again. There's so much evil marijuana south of the border, they'll likely disappear into that tragic haze of regret common to young women who turn to prostitution. The crazy things daddy's little girls will wind up doing with their bodies for spare change will make the perfectly natural business you're into look like an illustration from a church bulletin.

Finally, HD, if that's you in the photo you sent along with your letter, you're a very handsome man. Your wife's not so shabby, either. For a woman.

MS

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Brian Beatty is voting his guilt-free conscience on Wednesday, November 8th.