NFL Picks For Week 7

by The Ghost of Hunter S. Thompson

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Nothing can keep a Good reporter Down; neither a Gun to the Head nor a Cannon to the Ashes nor a Maniac cowboy president by the name of Bush inflicted upon your Crotch and Kicking you in said Crotch for Eight years straight. And so with little fanfare your Intrepid Servant is back to give you the Skinny on NFL Week 7.

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The biggest Surprise about the afterlife isn't that it Exists; any atheist will tell you there's Nothing he'd be more happily wrong about than misjudging the Great Plan. No, the biggest Surprise of this Infernal Realm is that there's DirecTV. I think it has something to do with Howard Hughes and a Satellite he belched into the Heavens in the late 1970s. I suspect the influence of Mr. Hughes because it looks a lot like vintage Las Vegas around here. I often feel like I'm wandering through Caesar's Palace in 1973, hopped up on Smack, searching for the Arena to see an Ali/Frazier fight but continually ending up in the lounge for a set by Jaye P. Morgan. I have yet to see Double H himself, but no matter where you are you get the Feeling that he's in an upstairs suite Watching over everything via closed circuit.

Speaking of Watching, here are the games I'll be taking in this weekend:

Detroit at NY Jets: Take Detroit. This is perhaps the greatest Achievement to occur since my Demise: Detroit winning Things. Can their jungle brethren Lions join them in the Hunt and take Succor at the Feast? That Metaphor would work better if the New York team were the Gazelles or the Zebras and not something as stupid as the Jets. Also, their coach is named Mangina or something.

Green Bay at Miami: Do not Watch or Pick this Game. Neither team deserves to Win. I have it on authority from Vince Lombardi himself that Brett Favre should Retire. He is Washed Up. Oh yes, you heard me Right -- Coach Lombardi is Here in the Underworld with me. The Bible specifically counsels against conspicuous success and by that regard Coach Lombardi's soul was consigned to an Eternity in Hell well before 1967.

Washington at Indianapolis: Take the Colts over the considerable spread. Fuck it, our DirecTV doesn't have commercials so I don't have the same amount of Peyton Manning overload that the rest of you Terrestrials have. I love the Guy. Don't overlook the former Louisianan's awesome Power (during the beginning of the season, anyway). His air attack is formidable and vicious and will Blow down lesser men in the Redskin Secondary like mere trees. It is not until the Playoffs that a Category 5 Hurricane Peyton generally gets Downgraded to Category 3.

NY Giants at Dallas: Giants are my Pick. In the Olden Days it was said that they left the Roof off of Texas Stadium so that G*d could watch the Cowboys play. Fuck that. Whenever the Cowboys play, their game is painted on all the Television screens down Here, and it gets just a little bit Hotter for all of us.

For those of You who are Disturbed to think of me suffering an Eternity in abject Damnation, don't be. It's not as Bad as you Pussies seem to think. There is Lots to be Pissed Off about. And just when you think it can't get Worse, it somehow finds a Way. I am in Heaven.

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David Pardue - you really didn't think we here at DT&R had the power to summon the spirits of not-so-long dead writers, did you? - is author of the forthcoming movies Dawn/Juan, Eels on a Submarine, and Rainbows & Unicorns. He lives in West Hollywood and is currently spending his time trying to convince various Hollywood producer-types that they should come forth his god damn movies already.