Norbit? Seriously?
by Terri Kauffman
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In 1974 John Waters unleashed upon the world the film Female Trouble, which featured the actress Divine as both the character Dawn Davenport and her rapist Earl Peterson. And thus began America’s love affair with men playing both man and woman in on-screen romances.
Well, sort of. I suppose “love affair” might be a strong word, and I’m not sure that John Waters’ inspired, albeit weird, demonstration of cinematic imagination could be compared with the gigantic dud that is known in my head as Eddie Murphy’s latest alimony/child support check. Come on, you don’t think he read this script and wanted to do this role, do you? No self-respecting comedian or actor would choose to do this film if they didn’t owe somebody something, and Eddie Murphy has been, in the past, a respectable comedic actor.
I haven’t seen Norbit, and some people think it might be unfair for me to judge the film before actually seeing it, but come on? Is there any possible way that a movie about a guy (Norbit, played by Murphy) who is dating a fat female version of himself (Rasputia, played by Murphy) could possibly be worth the price of admission? I wouldn’t go see a movie with that premise if Shakespeare himself penned the script and Steven Spielberg directed it.
But Shakespeare didn’t write this script and Spielberg didn’t direct this movie. Norbit was written by Jay Scherick, David Ronn, Eddie Murphy (surprise) and Charles Q. Murphy (that’s right, nepotism at its worst). Ronn & Scherick are responsible for the likes of National Security, Guess Who and I Spy. Not sure how they cornered the goofy-black-guy-white-guy-buddy-film market, but not exactly Shakespeare.
You might remember the director Brian Robbins from the hit sitcom “Head of the Class” from the late 80’s where he played the character of Eric. His career has also been responsible for, either as actor, director or producer, the following unforgivable sins (including, but not limited to): What I Like About You, Crumbs, Twins, The Perfect Score, Big Fat Liar, Summer Catch, Varsity Blues, The Shaggy Dog, and, worst of all, Hard Ball. I could possibly forgive each of these shit bombs, even Summer Catch and maybe Hard Ball, in and of themselves, but I believe that anyone responsible in any way for both of these movies should be completely blacklisted from Hollywood entirely.
These two movies are responsible for my belief that it is possible to judge a movie by its proverbial cover. Curiosity got the best of me, and I actually wasted four collective hours of my life, hours I can never have back, watching these two unforgivable turds that turned out to be worse, if you can believe it, than I expected. If you haven’t seen these movies but have seen the trailers, just imagine them being worse than your expectations.
So if you’re doing the Norbit math, that’s four reasons not to see it: Brian Robbins’s resume and all three of Eddie Murphy’s stupid characters. There are only two circumstances in which it’s acceptable to actually watch this movie. First, if you’re on a plane, because then the movie costs you nothing in time or money, and I would say it might (keyword: might) be more entertaining to watch than the back of the airplane seat in front of you. The only other reason to see the movie is if you’re dating Eddie Murphy, Brian Robbins or anyone else in the cast and they invited you to the premiere, where you’ll waste two hours of your life but afterwards you can party with Cuba Gooding, Jr. (don’t judge: he’s got a mortgage to pay too).
I’m not pro-Patriot Act or anything, but anyone who purchases a ticket to this film should definitely be on some kind of watch list.
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People say you can’t judge a book by its cover. Terri Kauffman thinks those people are wrong. Her favorite pastime is judging things immediately, whether they're books, movies, or people. You've been warned.
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