Quick, Randomized Gut-Instincts Regarding A Golden God

by Rick Paulas

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It's time to break down today's Oscar announcements, DT&R-style!

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BEST MOTION PICTURE - Popular opinion has Babel coming away with the man of gold, because of the previous Golden Globe victory, or The Departed winning, because folks have somehow been tricked into thinking so highly of this lazily produced mediocre movie. Of the five, those are the only two I've seen, so my opinion is to be mostly ignored. I will hazard the guess that Litte Miss Sunshine will win, though, simply because people seem to like the color yellow.

BEST ACTOR - With Sasha Baron Cohen somehow out of the running, (a peace offering to Kazakistan by the American voters, perhaps?) I'm leaning towards a Peter O'Toole win. He's about to die, and an onstage mid-speech heart attack is too enticing for voter's to ignore.

BEST ACTRESS - With all of those hot Dames onstade (literally Judi Dench and Helen Mirren) it's obvious who the winners are: The heterosexual men of the world.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR - While I'm hoping that Marky Mark (the one shining bright spot of The Departed) comes away with the Oscar, I'm going with voters choosing Jackie Earle Haley in Little Children to make up for their mistake of overlooking him in 1976.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS - The little girl is getting it. She seems to make people happy. And Hollywood is full of pedophiles. What'll be interesting is to see her in 8 years, when her and Dakota Fanning will be racing each other to see who gives up the first nip-slip.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY - Again, only saw two of these, but of the two Babel seemed to need a trim here and there, while Pan's Labyrinth had a guy sewing up his own face, a leg amputation, and the cancerous cougar in Y Tu Mama Tambien, the character that made me want to go after older women between the years 2001-2003.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY - It seems kind of cheap that Borat is in this category because the character was "adapted" from the TV show. Be that as it may ... was Borat really scripted? Wasn't most of it improv? Are the rednecks or drunken frat guys going to accept the award?

BEST DIRECTOR - It seems like Marty's the obvious choice, since it's clear his films are going downhill and this is the last chance to give him an award before he croaks. My darkhorse is going to be Paul Greengrass for United 93, because even the trailers had people crying in the theaters.

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Rick Paulas is an editor for Duct Tape & Rouge.