Recipes From The Cannibal's Cookbook
by Martha Saluap
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As the great Hannibal Lecter would attest, even cannibals are allowed to have exquisite taste. Here, we look at three particular recipes that are sure to make the flesh-eater's mouth water in anticipation.
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This Week's Feature Recipe: Simple Kidney Cordon Bleu
Ingredients needed:
-4 skinless kidneys, preferably from different individuals to spare lives. For this recipe to be totally scrumptious, the kidneys must be healthy and functioning so stay clear from Uncle Chuck who hits the bottle.
-4 slices Swiss or Provolone cheese.
-4 thinly sliced smoked tendons, bicep tendons usually have the best flavor. Don’t necessarily look for a muscle-bound man as their tendons are often overworked and have a tendency to get dry very fast in the oven.
-¼ cup all-purpose flour.
-1 egg (human or animal is fine, so long as its beaten).
-1 cup Italian seasoned chopped elbow skin. The rougher the elbow skin the better for this one, so maybe look to Uncle Chuck who hits the bottle.
-4 tablespoons lard.
-½ cup chicken broth.
-1 cup whipping cream.
Directions:
Pound the kidneys to ¼-inch thickness. Sprinkle each kidney on both sides with salt and pepper. Place 1 cheese slice and 1 tendon slice on each kidney. Roll up each kidney using toothpicks to secure if necessary. Dredge each in flour, shaking off the excess. Then, scour the kidneys in the egg and finally in the elbow skin crumbs. Place seam of the roll-up down in baking dish that has been sprayed with non-stick grease. Place 1 tablespoon butter on each piece of kidney. Bake at 350 degrees until juices and blood run clear.
Meanwhile, in a saucepan, combine broth and whipping cream; leave unseasoned because the taste will be scrumptious without. Simmer on low stirring until thick. Pour over kidneys.
- Rump Stew with Red Blood & Artichokes
Cut two pounds of gluteus maximus (human rump) into 1-inch pieces. Shake your rump pieces in a bag with 4 tablespoons flour. Brown the rump pieces on medium high head in 2 tablespoons oil.
Meanwhile, prepare: 1 large onion, cut in 1/8s; 4 cloves of garlic – diced or pressed; 1 carrot, peeled and diced; 2 celery stalks, diced.
Remove the rump chunks when it’s browned all over. This will take about 10 minutes, which is just enough time to do a little browsing online for your next prey. Brown the onions and garlic about 8 minutes. Remove them and brown the carrots and celery about 8 minutes. Return the rump chunks, onions, and garlic back into the pot. Add: 1 cup red blood, 2 cups beef broth, 1 small can of V8 juice, 1 cup of tomato juice.
Stir and scrape to get all the scrumptiously good browned bits of rump chunks off the bottom of the pan, then simmer for an hour or so. Add: 1 more cup of blood, 1 can drained artichoke hearts, 1 potato, 1 cup peas, a handful of asparagus tips. If you feel it needs more flavoring (doubtful – unless your prey was a very dull person), add1 teaspoon oregano and salt and pepper.
Simmer another hour or so until the rump chunks are very tender. Then enjoy!
- Intestinal Hash
Ingredients: 4 potatoes, peeled and diced; 1-2 cups leftover intestines; 1 cup of gravy (any kind – even the intestinal juices work great), 1 onion diced, salt and pepper to taste.
Directions: Add the intestines, gravy, and onion to the potatoes and cook until browned, stirring every now and then. Add salt and pepper if needed.
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Martha Saluap owns the most extensive collection of toilet seat covers in the world. Unlike comic books and toy figurines, toilet seat covers are more valuable if they've actually been used in the real world. Mint condition is spending a year or more in an airport bathroom. As such, Peghan's apartment smells like Tara Rubano.
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