Ten Ways To Fit In With, Or Freak Out, Your Child

by Martha Saluap

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Every now and then, a loving parent comes up to us and asks our advice on how to know their children better. Our first response is, always, don't try. But after they continue to harass us for a few hours - for some reason people have a hard time accepting "no" for an answer from us, especially those who believe they deserve access to our genitals - we eventually relent and give them this list, always hoping that it will lead their children into many, many years of therapy.

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(from the archives)

10. When your child tells you that they’ve failed their Spanish test, their teacher gave them way too much homework, or something else outlandish, simply reply “Fo’ shizzle my (b)/(n)izzle?” Be sure to keep a straight face.

9. When driving your child to school, turn on the cheesy local KISS-FM and cross your fingers. When your kid looks at you with a puzzled disposition, state “I’m really hoping they give away a chance to win Kelly Clarkson’s car again! Last time I was caller 101! Soooo close.”

8. Create a MySpace profile. Ask your child to be your friend. Make sure that your picture consists of you scantily clad holding an alcoholic beverage. Also, format your song to be Justin Timberlake’s “SexyBack.” Top your page off with a headline stating “Mama/Papa in Da HIZOUSE.”

7. With the aforementioned MySpace account, ask ALL of your child’s friends to be your friend. Once any or all accept, leave them all comments making plans for future trips to the beach or concerts.

6. Tell your daughter her shorts are not NEARLY short enough. Follow that up with a quiet comment to yourself: “Now I understand how Jessica Simpson’s Dad felt …”

5. Ask your son if the boys think it’s cool to date “chicks with kids.” If he says no, say “Okay [fill in your son’s name here], we’re going to have to start calling you my brother.”

4. When your son/daughter asks for a ride to their friend’s house, say “For sure. But first, I want to ask your opinion about the [fill in car’s name here].” While standing outside looking at the car, point and say “Don’t you think I should pimp it out a little? I’m thinking hydraulics…or maybe a new bass system that will really bump when Chamillionaire’s ‘Ridin’ comes on.”

3. Tell your daughter that you’ve made an appointment for you and her to get matching Brazilians.

2. Tell your son that your best friend really wants to take him out. When he looks at you puzzled, shrug and reply “You know, like a Demi/Ashton thing.”

1. Go into your child’s room. Look in their mirror and check out your back-side. When you get their attention, ask them “You think I got a good badonkadonk?”

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Martha Saluap owns the most extensive collection of toilet seat covers in the world. Unlike comic books and toy figurines, toilet seat covers are more valuable if they've actually been used in the real world. Mint condition is spending a year or more in an airport bathroom. As such, Meghan's apartment smells like Tara Rubano.