Unacceptable

by Brian Beatty

-----

“Florida State Attorney to Probe Ann Coulter's Alleged Voting Violation,” read a recent news headline written, obviously, by a reporter or editor unaware that a criminal investigation into her poll activities was the least of the comely conservative’s worries. Brian Beatty probes the true violation, so you don't have to.

-----

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about Ann Coulter. In particular, I’ve been thinking a lot about her vagina. What happened to it, why it had to happen and who happened to think it would be a hilarious prank to let snakes loose in a political pundit’s twat.

Terrorist extremists aren’t known for their practical joking. Nor are Ms. Coulter’s right-wing peers likely to appreciate how easily the phrase "on a plane" can be changed to "in a poon" for comedic effect.

Since Ms. Coulter’s chosen, rather uncharacteristically, not to talk about her unfortunate plight on cable TV every waking hour of the news day (there must not be any money in it for her), I’ve been forced to imagine for myself how her love tunnel became infested with seething, slithering ophidians.

Be glad that I endured this weird torture on your behalf.

It's the stuff of nightmares, if still somewhat enjoyable. Kind of like it would be to have sex with Drew Barrymore.

This Republican guy I know worries that the Internet rumor I’m trying to start isn’t at all realistic. What if, he says, Ms. Coulter’s cooter isn’t, in fact, a killer tangle of poisonous, venom-spewing serpents?

My reply is tried and true: I don’t live in a magical land of ridiculous what-if’s — so I don’t care!

More importantly, there’s a prankster out there somewhere, without the credit he or she is due. Unless, as I suspect, we’re too late with our kudos and gratitude.

I’m not saying that I’m certain it was Steve Irwin, the crocodile hunter recently in the press for dying, but I am suggesting that if he was the one responsible for the deed that transformed Ms. Coulter's cunt into a reptile house rivaling any zoo in America, then we owe that late, great hero of a man more than just a handful of cut-and-paste memorial specials on Animal Planet.

As tributes go, those are pretty unacceptable, if you ask me.

-----

Brian Beatty actually pities Ann Coulter, but not as much as he pities those snakes.