Your Online Voter's Information Pamphlet, California-Style
by Bartholomew Jenkins
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This Tuesday, November 7th is a big day. Downtown, there's a Congolese cookout (fresh pygmies), on the west-side there's a glory-hole crawl (B.Y.O. Lube), and in the Valley NAMBLA is hosting a free ice-cream party at Chuck E. Cheese for boys 12-and-under. But in all other parts of the city, it's election day. As such, we’ve pelted Mr. Jenkins into submission with hot crimping irons, demanding a summary of the most important issues facing voters.
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Governor
Sure, you hate him more than the saliva residue on your boss' herpetic-infested lower lip, but what are you going to do, vote for a California governor who never even starred in a TV show? Or maybe some stinky-ass hippie green party schlep? Besides, isn't it trendy to keep it real? Having him in there exposes us for the depraved wasteland of rednecks we truly are. Until you get to voting day and see what makes it on the ballots, it's all too easy to forget that outside of L.A., S.F., S.D, and Oak-town, every speckle of Earth in romanticized "California" is occupied by a cousin-humping, rat-eating redneck, descendants of Oklahoma, Kentucky, small-town-immigrant-who-have-to-vote-Republican-because-they-like-their-labor-cheap girly man. And even within our “progressive” city limits, where it seems like every 4th car is a Prius, every 2nd and 3rd car is a goddamn 4-wheel tank, the preferred choice of bourgeois soccer-moms not because of safety, but to have an excuse to play out their fantasies of getting gang-raped by the red-neck monster-truck Bud Light team in Bakersfield.
Verdict: Vote Arnie. Or write in Tom Foley.
Prop 83 - GPS monitoring for life of sex offenders with prison records.
How can we pass this up? With all the perverts in this town, they'll really have to start pumping out these GPS tracking devices; in a few years, GPS will be available at the Target discount rack. Plus, now we’ll all get to play Grand Theft Auto: Vice City in real life. Wednesday morning, drive to the courthouse, turn on GPS scrambler, tail perverts, shoot perverts, masturbate on their flesh-wounds, make a tomato cream sauce. Yum. Soon to follow: GPS tracking devices on all kinds of people, like readers of smutty online ‘zines.
Verdict: What, the Dateline ‘To Catch A Predator’ specials haven’t scared you enough? Vote yes!
Prop 84 - Raise taxes for pretty parks.
Well, if you're monitoring the sex offenders, they're sure as hell going to stop going to parks to rape the NAMBLA kids with their free ice-cream. So now, the parks are going to be empty, or worse, completely full of hippies. And those damn hippies are way too high on drugs to get a decent enough boner to actually nail the bratty ice-cream kids, so what's the point of making these parks all fancied up? Hippies don't care about that shit, what they need is responsibility.
Verdict: This money should be spent on recruiting. Vote no.
Prop 85 - Waiting period for abortion.
Another brilliant idea that we're all for. We all feel the plight of fathers across California who spend half their income raising their daughter so they can have a steady lay, and then she goes and fucks up the rotation by getting an abortion any old time she feels like it? What type of shit is that? All that careful planning goes right out the window. And where the hell did she get $150 for the clinic? Doesn't she know how much porn and meth that can buy? This has got to stop. At least with the 48-hour waiting period, he can give her a feel and see how far along she is in her pregnancy, then have her wait until the 8th month. It's safer for the girl that way and, during those 6th and 7th months, when he's bangin’ her, he can also get the bonus simultaneous blow-job from the inside.
Verdict: As Kool-aid Man would say, “Ooh yeah!”
Prop 86 - The tax on cigarettes.
Prop 87 - Tax on oil producers for alternative energy.
These seem pretty straight up, until you look at the backers for the opponent. Then it's perplexing. Phillip Morris and R.J. Reynolds are against a tax on cigarettes? Exxon and Chevron are against research for alternative fuels? We put our heads together in a brainstorm-and-masturbate session and think we have an answer. It recently came out that these four corporations have employed top scientists from MIT and have made an amazing genetic breakthrough. They're now able to put additives inside all of their products that induce their users into wanting to molest grandmothers with walkers. And then, with the dirty parks and abortion clinics empty, the corporations can take over, set up flogging posts and anal beads trading post outlets (grandmas like to bead), whip all the stinky impotent hippies, and synthesize roofies into the ice cream for the NAMBLA after-party.
Verdict: An obvious yes on both.
Prop 88 – Tax on homeowners for schools.
Yeah, let's look at this word. Tax on "HOMOwners". Homo, girly man. See the pattern here? Homos near schools means more molestation means more cousin-raping.
Verdict: What would Arnold do? Vote no, you sissy.
Prop 89 - Campaign finance.
Yes, another one where you have to look at the backers: The California Nurses Association. And if any of you were in the West Hollywood Halloween Parade, and saw that one 6-foot-4 transvestite nurse, and tried to buy her/him three bacon-covered sausage links with extra dripping onions and ketchup with no napkins like I did, you'll know how to vote.
Verdict: The bacon covered sausages got me a felch. Vote yes.
Prop. 1A-1E - Bonds for Transportation, Highway Safety, Traffic Reduction, Air Quality, Port Security, Housing and Emergency Shelter, Kindergarteners, Disaster Preparedness and Flood Prevention.
If I ever learned anything from my older brother when he used to beat me, it’s that it’s always sensible to give more of your stolen money to the government to spend, especially if your governor is Kindergarten Cop. But then I killed my older brother.
Verdict: Your tax dollars should be going towards opening 24-hour community ass-fucking centers, safe crack production, and seatless bicycle rides. Vote no.
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Bart is from the San Fernando Valley, where he currently works as a High School girls volleyball coach. He likes watching romantic comedies and sipping tea at nurseries. He listens to glam-rock and Yanni while making paper mache moldings of his penis.
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